i've never gotten that one before aha
Sunday, November 21, 2010
so, as we can tell; i'm a little heartbroken right now. not even a little, my heart's so broken that i burned myself... on purpose. i've never even thought of doing it before. i couldn't find a razor so i kept lighting up scissors with a flame and pressing the hot metal to my skin.
veeka and i got into a huge physical fight. i almost killed her, but everyone else in the family interceded before i snapped her neck. i'm extremely violent. i haven't done anything violent for about a year now (last time, i ripped my door off the hinges and threw my dad down the stairs with it) so this shocked my whole family.
i was shaking so hard. i had no one to talk to. i used to have nick...then he disappeared. chad...he dumped me. john.... i dumped him. lauren doesn't like me talking about negative stuff, kelsey doesn't even know. so, i had no one. i was seriously close to suicide. so i resorted to burning myself. i technically did it 10 times, but only 7 of them are visible. 4 in particular.
my worst burn was because of him. because he broke my heart and told me he was going to be there and never break it. love is what i'm on earth for. i didn't even think i did anything wrong. i had some guesses, but i'm not sure they're right. it was legit out of no where. one day he liked me, then the next.... he didn't (at this moment he just sent me a text that said "morning love (:" i'll get to that soon) i couldn't burn his letter and notes... so i burned myself instead. i put the metal to my skin and thought through everything forgetting what i was doing to myself. not feeling any of the pain while my skin just melted. then, i came back to reality. i took the hot iron off and saw what i'd just done. what he'd made me do. my skin was green. it's still green, and it's been 5 days...
so we got report cards on friday. mine sucked. he was with the people i hung out with. great.... he's already been avoiding e this whole week, and now he's going to make a huge show of leaving right when i get there. so... he wanted to look at my report card, so yea.... then a few minutes later; he fucking hugged me, and said, "tanya, i miss you, you keep avoiding me" I KNOW RIGHT!!??? i was thinking "you fuck head, are you kidding me!? you're the one that's been avoiding me, what the hell is your problem!? i never did shit to you, and you're acting like a fucking douche-bag for not saying straight up 'tanya, sorry for avoiding you.' you make me look like a bad person by switching up. don't touch me! you know what happends when you do, i'm already broken enough, and you have to go and hug me!? are you fucking retarded..." and yea that's the gist of it. then i hung out with alex, then she left, then josh found me and brought me over to HIM and lindsey. seriously, he kept staring at me,and it was freaking me out. yes, i know i'm ugly, you don't have to be a creep.
so, the next afternoon i text him, i have the whole convo, so i'll just type it up
me: I know you're not going to text me back, but i hope you have a good day.
him: I'm sorry I suck so much :/ I miss you Tanya. I'll change how I've been these last weeks
me: Can i ask why you've been different? I've missed you, too. More than you know....
him: Idkk, my minds just fucked up. :/ and yes I know. I'm sorry. >.<
me: It's okay. Yesterday when you said i was avoiding you, i was pretty much bitching you out in my head.
him: Haha, yea, I'm bad at taking blame for things x) my bad hon
me: I'll forgive you. Do you hate me? Please, don't lie to me.
him: I'd never hate you. Or lie to you.
me: Well, you obv don't like me very much. Did you like my arm btdubz?
(sidenote: one time when him and i were alone ish inside, i showed him my arm)
him: Yes I dooo. And your arm broke my heart.
me: My arm broke your heart? How so?
him: Cuz. It looked horrible. And it's sad seeing that someone had to do that to themselves to that extent.
me: You were partially the reason. Your were the last burn, the worst one. The one where i held the metal downt the longest. Where i cried the hardest, not bc it hurt, but bc you hurt me and didn't seem to care.
him: Well thanks.
me: ....Sorry. Next time i'll lie.
him: Noo, how bout you just do something else besides burn yourself? Just makes me feel like shit. And I don't wanna be with you cuz i feel forced to be just to stop you from hurting yourself
(sidenote: this is where i first started to cry; he said he didn't want to be with me)
me: Burning myself was an expirament, and i don't plan on doing it again. I'm sorry. I won't tell you anything anymore. I told you i was awful, and i ruin everthing. I'm sorry. So you're done with me?
(sidenote: i'll probably end up burning myself again.)
him: No I'm nott. Just realize your making it harder on me everytime you do something like that
me: I'll keep my mouth shut, i promise. I'm so sorry.
(sidenote: i do plan on not telling him anything really negative anymore)
him: No, that's not the issue. I'd rather you tell me, obviously. It's the fact you even do it.
me: I'm messed up! Don't you fucking get that? I'm messed up and don't even know what's wrong with me. I'm in love with the idea of love even more than i love hurting myself. I want to die all the time and stay away from all my friends bc of it. I do everything to die bc death is so easy that it's funny. I'm afraid of it though. I don't want to hurt you by telling you anything bc you obviously resent when i do, so it's a no. I have no one to confide in which makes me feel worse. So, i'll make your life easier by shutting the hell up and putting on a fake smile.
him: It's not funny for everyone elsee. Just pleaseee try not to do it.
him: And don't worry about making my life easier cuz it's obv not gonna go everywhere if all I'm worried about is making yours easier.
(sidenote: i didn't understand that text)
me: I want to go swimming.
me: So where does this put us? What do you WANT me to do?
him: What do you mean?
me: What do i meand about swimming, or what you want me to do?
him: The second one
me: Do you want to talk to me anymore? Do you want me to stop telling you about all my problems? Do you want me to write you notes at school? Do you want me out of your life? What do you want? Do you even want me?
him: I don't want any of that to go awayy. I still want you.
(sidenote: i smiled through my tears here at the last part)
me: Okay. Any specifics though bc i want you in my life still.
him: Idk, no.. I just want us to be like we were before.
me: Same. Thank God. i doubt you'll write me notes again, but stop avoiding me, please.
him: I willl
me: Thank you. What did i do wrong, though.
him: Nothing.
me: Okay... Blue and yellow is my favorite used song. Just saying bc i'm listening to it now. What are you doing?
him: Playing guitarr
me: OMJ my friend steve's doing the same thing! he gave me my first hug from a guy back in 6th grade!
him: Good story.
me: thanks d: i fell down the stairs the other day at school. Legit, tumbled down half a flight going to study. It ws sooooo funny!! I have a bruise on my hip and legs
him: Aww :[ that's so sad!
me: I was laughing so hard! Thanks, though(x why were you avoiding me?
him: Stop asking that
me: Sorry
him: Well I'm going to be out all night. I'll ttyl <3
that was in the afternoon. i texted him around 10:30p- 11:00ishp saying goodnight
him: Night darling!<3 (:
me: <3
and now we're texting this morning, and i'm trying really hard to act normal.... even though i'm extremely crushed.
veeka and i got into a huge physical fight. i almost killed her, but everyone else in the family interceded before i snapped her neck. i'm extremely violent. i haven't done anything violent for about a year now (last time, i ripped my door off the hinges and threw my dad down the stairs with it) so this shocked my whole family.
i was shaking so hard. i had no one to talk to. i used to have nick...then he disappeared. chad...he dumped me. john.... i dumped him. lauren doesn't like me talking about negative stuff, kelsey doesn't even know. so, i had no one. i was seriously close to suicide. so i resorted to burning myself. i technically did it 10 times, but only 7 of them are visible. 4 in particular.
my worst burn was because of him. because he broke my heart and told me he was going to be there and never break it. love is what i'm on earth for. i didn't even think i did anything wrong. i had some guesses, but i'm not sure they're right. it was legit out of no where. one day he liked me, then the next.... he didn't (at this moment he just sent me a text that said "morning love (:" i'll get to that soon) i couldn't burn his letter and notes... so i burned myself instead. i put the metal to my skin and thought through everything forgetting what i was doing to myself. not feeling any of the pain while my skin just melted. then, i came back to reality. i took the hot iron off and saw what i'd just done. what he'd made me do. my skin was green. it's still green, and it's been 5 days...
so we got report cards on friday. mine sucked. he was with the people i hung out with. great.... he's already been avoiding e this whole week, and now he's going to make a huge show of leaving right when i get there. so... he wanted to look at my report card, so yea.... then a few minutes later; he fucking hugged me, and said, "tanya, i miss you, you keep avoiding me" I KNOW RIGHT!!??? i was thinking "you fuck head, are you kidding me!? you're the one that's been avoiding me, what the hell is your problem!? i never did shit to you, and you're acting like a fucking douche-bag for not saying straight up 'tanya, sorry for avoiding you.' you make me look like a bad person by switching up. don't touch me! you know what happends when you do, i'm already broken enough, and you have to go and hug me!? are you fucking retarded..." and yea that's the gist of it. then i hung out with alex, then she left, then josh found me and brought me over to HIM and lindsey. seriously, he kept staring at me,and it was freaking me out. yes, i know i'm ugly, you don't have to be a creep.
so, the next afternoon i text him, i have the whole convo, so i'll just type it up
me: I know you're not going to text me back, but i hope you have a good day.
him: I'm sorry I suck so much :/ I miss you Tanya. I'll change how I've been these last weeks
me: Can i ask why you've been different? I've missed you, too. More than you know....
him: Idkk, my minds just fucked up. :/ and yes I know. I'm sorry. >.<
me: It's okay. Yesterday when you said i was avoiding you, i was pretty much bitching you out in my head.
him: Haha, yea, I'm bad at taking blame for things x) my bad hon
me: I'll forgive you. Do you hate me? Please, don't lie to me.
him: I'd never hate you. Or lie to you.
me: Well, you obv don't like me very much. Did you like my arm btdubz?
(sidenote: one time when him and i were alone ish inside, i showed him my arm)
him: Yes I dooo. And your arm broke my heart.
me: My arm broke your heart? How so?
him: Cuz. It looked horrible. And it's sad seeing that someone had to do that to themselves to that extent.
me: You were partially the reason. Your were the last burn, the worst one. The one where i held the metal downt the longest. Where i cried the hardest, not bc it hurt, but bc you hurt me and didn't seem to care.
him: Well thanks.
me: ....Sorry. Next time i'll lie.
him: Noo, how bout you just do something else besides burn yourself? Just makes me feel like shit. And I don't wanna be with you cuz i feel forced to be just to stop you from hurting yourself
(sidenote: this is where i first started to cry; he said he didn't want to be with me)
me: Burning myself was an expirament, and i don't plan on doing it again. I'm sorry. I won't tell you anything anymore. I told you i was awful, and i ruin everthing. I'm sorry. So you're done with me?
(sidenote: i'll probably end up burning myself again.)
him: No I'm nott. Just realize your making it harder on me everytime you do something like that
me: I'll keep my mouth shut, i promise. I'm so sorry.
(sidenote: i do plan on not telling him anything really negative anymore)
him: No, that's not the issue. I'd rather you tell me, obviously. It's the fact you even do it.
me: I'm messed up! Don't you fucking get that? I'm messed up and don't even know what's wrong with me. I'm in love with the idea of love even more than i love hurting myself. I want to die all the time and stay away from all my friends bc of it. I do everything to die bc death is so easy that it's funny. I'm afraid of it though. I don't want to hurt you by telling you anything bc you obviously resent when i do, so it's a no. I have no one to confide in which makes me feel worse. So, i'll make your life easier by shutting the hell up and putting on a fake smile.
him: It's not funny for everyone elsee. Just pleaseee try not to do it.
him: And don't worry about making my life easier cuz it's obv not gonna go everywhere if all I'm worried about is making yours easier.
(sidenote: i didn't understand that text)
me: I want to go swimming.
me: So where does this put us? What do you WANT me to do?
him: What do you mean?
me: What do i meand about swimming, or what you want me to do?
him: The second one
me: Do you want to talk to me anymore? Do you want me to stop telling you about all my problems? Do you want me to write you notes at school? Do you want me out of your life? What do you want? Do you even want me?
him: I don't want any of that to go awayy. I still want you.
(sidenote: i smiled through my tears here at the last part)
me: Okay. Any specifics though bc i want you in my life still.
him: Idk, no.. I just want us to be like we were before.
me: Same. Thank God. i doubt you'll write me notes again, but stop avoiding me, please.
him: I willl
me: Thank you. What did i do wrong, though.
him: Nothing.
me: Okay... Blue and yellow is my favorite used song. Just saying bc i'm listening to it now. What are you doing?
him: Playing guitarr
me: OMJ my friend steve's doing the same thing! he gave me my first hug from a guy back in 6th grade!
him: Good story.
me: thanks d: i fell down the stairs the other day at school. Legit, tumbled down half a flight going to study. It ws sooooo funny!! I have a bruise on my hip and legs
him: Aww :[ that's so sad!
me: I was laughing so hard! Thanks, though(x why were you avoiding me?
him: Stop asking that
me: Sorry
him: Well I'm going to be out all night. I'll ttyl <3
that was in the afternoon. i texted him around 10:30p- 11:00ishp saying goodnight
him: Night darling!<3 (:
me: <3
and now we're texting this morning, and i'm trying really hard to act normal.... even though i'm extremely crushed.
Day 12- How you found out about Tumblr and why you made one
Day 12- How you found out about Tumblr and why you made one
my old friend hayley was talking about it on twitter, so i decided it would be cool to look it up. it looked interesting so i made one. (:
my old friend hayley was talking about it on twitter, so i decided it would be cool to look it up. it looked interesting so i made one. (:
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