Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
tanya: americanized version of "tatyana"
tan-tan: family used to call me that as a youngster
taty/tati: short for tatyana
toby: my initials +y
ya-tan: my old camp councelor used to call me this.. took me forever to figure out..!
tanyerr: dan calls me this
tabitha berkley: code name
tUHbitha: inside joke
tuhbitthhh: justin, vee, and kris call me this
tat: short for tatyana
kristin: CHAT nickname
kris: ditto
tadur-tot: THEM nickname
tots: ditto
tadur: ditto
tahn: kristina and kristina call me this
tawnia: cool spelling of my name
tik-takk: kelsey calls me this
buckweed: lauren calls me this
t-buck: everyone in a+b called me this
buckey: ditto
moosie: vee calls me this
squirrel: nickname from parachute times (vee=skunky, kris=chippy)
muffin: chad called me this
puddles: chad called me this, too
peaches: my stripper name
t-bear: julez calls me this
voldersmort: inside joke with vee
tippy-wippy: liz called me this
tippy: ditto
tabz: short for tabitha
tibz: ditto
cheeky: one of my ex's called me this
denise imma lezbyan: from an inside joke b/w kels and i that started at lunch, mae added the middle name, and i came up with the last name
( i know i have more, but i can't think of them...)
tanya: americanized version of "tatyana"
tan-tan: family used to call me that as a youngster
taty/tati: short for tatyana
toby: my initials +y
ya-tan: my old camp councelor used to call me this.. took me forever to figure out..!
tanyerr: dan calls me this
tabitha berkley: code name
tUHbitha: inside joke
tuhbitthhh: justin, vee, and kris call me this
tat: short for tatyana
kristin: CHAT nickname
kris: ditto
tadur-tot: THEM nickname
tots: ditto
tadur: ditto
tahn: kristina and kristina call me this
tawnia: cool spelling of my name
tik-takk: kelsey calls me this
buckweed: lauren calls me this
t-buck: everyone in a+b called me this
buckey: ditto
moosie: vee calls me this
squirrel: nickname from parachute times (vee=skunky, kris=chippy)
muffin: chad called me this
puddles: chad called me this, too
peaches: my stripper name
t-bear: julez calls me this
voldersmort: inside joke with vee
tippy-wippy: liz called me this
tippy: ditto
tabz: short for tabitha
tibz: ditto
cheeky: one of my ex's called me this
denise imma lezbyan: from an inside joke b/w kels and i that started at lunch, mae added the middle name, and i came up with the last name
( i know i have more, but i can't think of them...)
Monday, November 29, 2010
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
i have a lot....
short term:
i have a lot....
short term:
- get a B average on next report card so mom can sign my permit.
- getting out of fucking therapy
- i just want to live. have a good job. get through college and make friends. get away from all the people in my life now and just start over.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
so we went to dunkin donuts after church.
me: may i please have some hash browns (him: no) me: *smiles* (him: *smiles*) me: and a medium coffee coolatta with whipped cream *grins* (him: *grins* yes) then this guy comes out, and sam (the dude i was ordering from) say "hey mitch" so i look at him, i know him!
down at the order table, mitch is there:
me: i think i know you
mitch: really? from where?
me: your name's... what's your name?
mitch: mitch
me: is your last name carr?
him: yes
me: *jumps up* OMJ! I KNOW YOU!
him: *smiles and shows off the gorgeous teeth i remember* really, from where?
me: elementary school. when i was in 3rd grade and you were in 5th, you were that classroom monitor guy, and i had the biggest crush on you. you didn't want to watch our room bc of me *smiles hugely*
him: i don't remember... what's you name?
me: tanya buckley, i don't think you'd remember me
him: yea, i'm sorry, i don't.
me: it's no big deal
him: *hands kris her order* why don't you live in vernon anymore?
me: oh, i still do, but i don't go to RHS
him: ooh! that's cool! i'm sorry *smiles*
me: it's cool *smiles*
him: *touches my hand* it was nice seeing you again *half smile*
me: *slow smile*
wow! i can't believe i saw him! he looks exactly the same minus his converse plugs (they looked like a 4g) i remembered him bc of his teeth and eyes (x
me: may i please have some hash browns (him: no) me: *smiles* (him: *smiles*) me: and a medium coffee coolatta with whipped cream *grins* (him: *grins* yes) then this guy comes out, and sam (the dude i was ordering from) say "hey mitch" so i look at him, i know him!
down at the order table, mitch is there:
me: i think i know you
mitch: really? from where?
me: your name's... what's your name?
mitch: mitch
me: is your last name carr?
him: yes
me: *jumps up* OMJ! I KNOW YOU!
him: *smiles and shows off the gorgeous teeth i remember* really, from where?
me: elementary school. when i was in 3rd grade and you were in 5th, you were that classroom monitor guy, and i had the biggest crush on you. you didn't want to watch our room bc of me *smiles hugely*
him: i don't remember... what's you name?
me: tanya buckley, i don't think you'd remember me
him: yea, i'm sorry, i don't.
me: it's no big deal
him: *hands kris her order* why don't you live in vernon anymore?
me: oh, i still do, but i don't go to RHS
him: ooh! that's cool! i'm sorry *smiles*
me: it's cool *smiles*
him: *touches my hand* it was nice seeing you again *half smile*
me: *slow smile*
wow! i can't believe i saw him! he looks exactly the same minus his converse plugs (they looked like a 4g) i remembered him bc of his teeth and eyes (x
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
i don't know exactly WHO, but it would be a boy bc boys have everything so easy
i don't know exactly WHO, but it would be a boy bc boys have everything so easy
Saturday, November 27, 2010
tumblr confession
you told me you were in love with me, you even wrote me a letter that was 19 pages long on yellow paper in cursive, signed it in your own blood. you told me you'd never leave me. i've cried over you and hurt. i was with you even when you were with her. where have you gone? i know we shouldn't have done those things behind her back, but why would you say you needed me when you left so quick? i will love you forever. somewhere in my heart, you have made you mark that'll last a life-time.
one thing that i can't keep off my mind is the fact that he said that he would never hate me, that he'd always be attached and annoying. he said he'd never lie, but isn't it lieing if he won't tell me what even happened. i know i didn't mean much, that's why i burned it bc it seemed like a lie and a burden to have those words with me and being able to look at them and interpret them the way my mind would. it sucks bc whenever i'm happy, i think about him and become extremely sad again. is it stupid that i remember all the songs that he reccomended me? he probably told other girls the same ones. smother me makes me cry bc it reminds me so much of nick. my heart never lets go of anyone, my mind never releases its memories into the atmosphere, but instead, i torture myself with them until i can't stand the pain anymore and hurt myself to rid the thoughts. he probably never thinks about me.
i'll just sum up the past few days in a few words.
thanksgiving was actually fun in RI
trains are fucking G
eric has a crush on me, and he was creepily video taping/snapping pix of me the whole day...
i miss someone
haha sent hastings a pic. he so wants me now xD
ignoring pat dick...
dyed my hair blue
6g hurt like fuckkkk, but they're sexyyy
black friday at the mall buying all the xmas prezzies for the fam was fun with vee
she called me fat, and i cryed for hours
kaitlyn got sooo pretty! been chilling with her for like, what, 3 days
cut my hair
dan wants to fuck vee and hates me or someshit
vee and i were sooo hyper and were calling all these boys at 7:30a-9:30a yesterday (:
lmao the mall...+boy....+sexy hats= lots of action for this girl (;
40 followers!!!
yesterday was the family's 12year anniversary together
sexy guy at chili's asked for my number (;
HARRY POTTER 7 WITH MARIA WIK (i brought vee along and met up with jake and zack)
tom felton ORGASM TO THE EXTREME
i burned it.
trains are fucking G
eric has a crush on me, and he was creepily video taping/snapping pix of me the whole day...
i miss someone
haha sent hastings a pic. he so wants me now xD
ignoring pat dick...
dyed my hair blue
6g hurt like fuckkkk, but they're sexyyy
black friday at the mall buying all the xmas prezzies for the fam was fun with vee
she called me fat, and i cryed for hours
kaitlyn got sooo pretty! been chilling with her for like, what, 3 days
cut my hair
dan wants to fuck vee and hates me or someshit
vee and i were sooo hyper and were calling all these boys at 7:30a-9:30a yesterday (:
lmao the mall...+boy....+sexy hats= lots of action for this girl (;
40 followers!!!
yesterday was the family's 12year anniversary together
sexy guy at chili's asked for my number (;
HARRY POTTER 7 WITH MARIA WIK (i brought vee along and met up with jake and zack)
tom felton ORGASM TO THE EXTREME
i burned it.
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
dyed the underneathe of my hair blue this morning and cut it (you can't really tell in this pic) . 6g (:
dyed the underneathe of my hair blue this morning and cut it (you can't really tell in this pic) . 6g (:
yes, i edited it, but i only edited it so the blue could stand out (:
Friday, November 26, 2010
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Rock That Body by Black Eyed Peas
Lets Make This Last by Audio Summer
Diary by Tino Coury
Shorty Like Mine ft Chris Brown by Bow Wow
Thunder by Boys Like Girls
Like a G6 by Far East Movement
Mine by Taylor Swift
I Run To You by LA
heartbreak (radio edit) by m'black
if we ever meet again (feat.... by timbaland
Lets Make This Last by Audio Summer
Diary by Tino Coury
Shorty Like Mine ft Chris Brown by Bow Wow
Thunder by Boys Like Girls
Like a G6 by Far East Movement
Mine by Taylor Swift
I Run To You by LA
heartbreak (radio edit) by m'black
if we ever meet again (feat.... by timbaland
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
left to right: kristina, veronika, tatyana, cornelius, patricia.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
wow, now this is relevant.
dear luke,
thanks for dumping me as a friend when you told me you wouldn't.
-t♥
wow, now this is relevant.
dear luke,
thanks for dumping me as a friend when you told me you wouldn't.
-t♥
i was told to ask you a question...so, whats up?
haha! it told me to ask you one, too! eating a bagel twist with a coffee coolatta <3 WHAT'S UP WITH YOU??? <that's my question for you bc i'm too lazy to go to your name and type in your box.... (:
Monday, November 22, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
so, as we can tell; i'm a little heartbroken right now. not even a little, my heart's so broken that i burned myself... on purpose. i've never even thought of doing it before. i couldn't find a razor so i kept lighting up scissors with a flame and pressing the hot metal to my skin.
veeka and i got into a huge physical fight. i almost killed her, but everyone else in the family interceded before i snapped her neck. i'm extremely violent. i haven't done anything violent for about a year now (last time, i ripped my door off the hinges and threw my dad down the stairs with it) so this shocked my whole family.
i was shaking so hard. i had no one to talk to. i used to have nick...then he disappeared. chad...he dumped me. john.... i dumped him. lauren doesn't like me talking about negative stuff, kelsey doesn't even know. so, i had no one. i was seriously close to suicide. so i resorted to burning myself. i technically did it 10 times, but only 7 of them are visible. 4 in particular.
my worst burn was because of him. because he broke my heart and told me he was going to be there and never break it. love is what i'm on earth for. i didn't even think i did anything wrong. i had some guesses, but i'm not sure they're right. it was legit out of no where. one day he liked me, then the next.... he didn't (at this moment he just sent me a text that said "morning love (:" i'll get to that soon) i couldn't burn his letter and notes... so i burned myself instead. i put the metal to my skin and thought through everything forgetting what i was doing to myself. not feeling any of the pain while my skin just melted. then, i came back to reality. i took the hot iron off and saw what i'd just done. what he'd made me do. my skin was green. it's still green, and it's been 5 days...
so we got report cards on friday. mine sucked. he was with the people i hung out with. great.... he's already been avoiding e this whole week, and now he's going to make a huge show of leaving right when i get there. so... he wanted to look at my report card, so yea.... then a few minutes later; he fucking hugged me, and said, "tanya, i miss you, you keep avoiding me" I KNOW RIGHT!!??? i was thinking "you fuck head, are you kidding me!? you're the one that's been avoiding me, what the hell is your problem!? i never did shit to you, and you're acting like a fucking douche-bag for not saying straight up 'tanya, sorry for avoiding you.' you make me look like a bad person by switching up. don't touch me! you know what happends when you do, i'm already broken enough, and you have to go and hug me!? are you fucking retarded..." and yea that's the gist of it. then i hung out with alex, then she left, then josh found me and brought me over to HIM and lindsey. seriously, he kept staring at me,and it was freaking me out. yes, i know i'm ugly, you don't have to be a creep.
so, the next afternoon i text him, i have the whole convo, so i'll just type it up
me: I know you're not going to text me back, but i hope you have a good day.
him: I'm sorry I suck so much :/ I miss you Tanya. I'll change how I've been these last weeks
me: Can i ask why you've been different? I've missed you, too. More than you know....
him: Idkk, my minds just fucked up. :/ and yes I know. I'm sorry. >.<
me: It's okay. Yesterday when you said i was avoiding you, i was pretty much bitching you out in my head.
him: Haha, yea, I'm bad at taking blame for things x) my bad hon
me: I'll forgive you. Do you hate me? Please, don't lie to me.
him: I'd never hate you. Or lie to you.
me: Well, you obv don't like me very much. Did you like my arm btdubz?
(sidenote: one time when him and i were alone ish inside, i showed him my arm)
him: Yes I dooo. And your arm broke my heart.
me: My arm broke your heart? How so?
him: Cuz. It looked horrible. And it's sad seeing that someone had to do that to themselves to that extent.
me: You were partially the reason. Your were the last burn, the worst one. The one where i held the metal downt the longest. Where i cried the hardest, not bc it hurt, but bc you hurt me and didn't seem to care.
him: Well thanks.
me: ....Sorry. Next time i'll lie.
him: Noo, how bout you just do something else besides burn yourself? Just makes me feel like shit. And I don't wanna be with you cuz i feel forced to be just to stop you from hurting yourself
(sidenote: this is where i first started to cry; he said he didn't want to be with me)
me: Burning myself was an expirament, and i don't plan on doing it again. I'm sorry. I won't tell you anything anymore. I told you i was awful, and i ruin everthing. I'm sorry. So you're done with me?
(sidenote: i'll probably end up burning myself again.)
him: No I'm nott. Just realize your making it harder on me everytime you do something like that
me: I'll keep my mouth shut, i promise. I'm so sorry.
(sidenote: i do plan on not telling him anything really negative anymore)
him: No, that's not the issue. I'd rather you tell me, obviously. It's the fact you even do it.
me: I'm messed up! Don't you fucking get that? I'm messed up and don't even know what's wrong with me. I'm in love with the idea of love even more than i love hurting myself. I want to die all the time and stay away from all my friends bc of it. I do everything to die bc death is so easy that it's funny. I'm afraid of it though. I don't want to hurt you by telling you anything bc you obviously resent when i do, so it's a no. I have no one to confide in which makes me feel worse. So, i'll make your life easier by shutting the hell up and putting on a fake smile.
him: It's not funny for everyone elsee. Just pleaseee try not to do it.
him: And don't worry about making my life easier cuz it's obv not gonna go everywhere if all I'm worried about is making yours easier.
(sidenote: i didn't understand that text)
me: I want to go swimming.
me: So where does this put us? What do you WANT me to do?
him: What do you mean?
me: What do i meand about swimming, or what you want me to do?
him: The second one
me: Do you want to talk to me anymore? Do you want me to stop telling you about all my problems? Do you want me to write you notes at school? Do you want me out of your life? What do you want? Do you even want me?
him: I don't want any of that to go awayy. I still want you.
(sidenote: i smiled through my tears here at the last part)
me: Okay. Any specifics though bc i want you in my life still.
him: Idk, no.. I just want us to be like we were before.
me: Same. Thank God. i doubt you'll write me notes again, but stop avoiding me, please.
him: I willl
me: Thank you. What did i do wrong, though.
him: Nothing.
me: Okay... Blue and yellow is my favorite used song. Just saying bc i'm listening to it now. What are you doing?
him: Playing guitarr
me: OMJ my friend steve's doing the same thing! he gave me my first hug from a guy back in 6th grade!
him: Good story.
me: thanks d: i fell down the stairs the other day at school. Legit, tumbled down half a flight going to study. It ws sooooo funny!! I have a bruise on my hip and legs
him: Aww :[ that's so sad!
me: I was laughing so hard! Thanks, though(x why were you avoiding me?
him: Stop asking that
me: Sorry
him: Well I'm going to be out all night. I'll ttyl <3
that was in the afternoon. i texted him around 10:30p- 11:00ishp saying goodnight
him: Night darling!<3 (:
me: <3
and now we're texting this morning, and i'm trying really hard to act normal.... even though i'm extremely crushed.
veeka and i got into a huge physical fight. i almost killed her, but everyone else in the family interceded before i snapped her neck. i'm extremely violent. i haven't done anything violent for about a year now (last time, i ripped my door off the hinges and threw my dad down the stairs with it) so this shocked my whole family.
i was shaking so hard. i had no one to talk to. i used to have nick...then he disappeared. chad...he dumped me. john.... i dumped him. lauren doesn't like me talking about negative stuff, kelsey doesn't even know. so, i had no one. i was seriously close to suicide. so i resorted to burning myself. i technically did it 10 times, but only 7 of them are visible. 4 in particular.
my worst burn was because of him. because he broke my heart and told me he was going to be there and never break it. love is what i'm on earth for. i didn't even think i did anything wrong. i had some guesses, but i'm not sure they're right. it was legit out of no where. one day he liked me, then the next.... he didn't (at this moment he just sent me a text that said "morning love (:" i'll get to that soon) i couldn't burn his letter and notes... so i burned myself instead. i put the metal to my skin and thought through everything forgetting what i was doing to myself. not feeling any of the pain while my skin just melted. then, i came back to reality. i took the hot iron off and saw what i'd just done. what he'd made me do. my skin was green. it's still green, and it's been 5 days...
so we got report cards on friday. mine sucked. he was with the people i hung out with. great.... he's already been avoiding e this whole week, and now he's going to make a huge show of leaving right when i get there. so... he wanted to look at my report card, so yea.... then a few minutes later; he fucking hugged me, and said, "tanya, i miss you, you keep avoiding me" I KNOW RIGHT!!??? i was thinking "you fuck head, are you kidding me!? you're the one that's been avoiding me, what the hell is your problem!? i never did shit to you, and you're acting like a fucking douche-bag for not saying straight up 'tanya, sorry for avoiding you.' you make me look like a bad person by switching up. don't touch me! you know what happends when you do, i'm already broken enough, and you have to go and hug me!? are you fucking retarded..." and yea that's the gist of it. then i hung out with alex, then she left, then josh found me and brought me over to HIM and lindsey. seriously, he kept staring at me,and it was freaking me out. yes, i know i'm ugly, you don't have to be a creep.
so, the next afternoon i text him, i have the whole convo, so i'll just type it up
me: I know you're not going to text me back, but i hope you have a good day.
him: I'm sorry I suck so much :/ I miss you Tanya. I'll change how I've been these last weeks
me: Can i ask why you've been different? I've missed you, too. More than you know....
him: Idkk, my minds just fucked up. :/ and yes I know. I'm sorry. >.<
me: It's okay. Yesterday when you said i was avoiding you, i was pretty much bitching you out in my head.
him: Haha, yea, I'm bad at taking blame for things x) my bad hon
me: I'll forgive you. Do you hate me? Please, don't lie to me.
him: I'd never hate you. Or lie to you.
me: Well, you obv don't like me very much. Did you like my arm btdubz?
(sidenote: one time when him and i were alone ish inside, i showed him my arm)
him: Yes I dooo. And your arm broke my heart.
me: My arm broke your heart? How so?
him: Cuz. It looked horrible. And it's sad seeing that someone had to do that to themselves to that extent.
me: You were partially the reason. Your were the last burn, the worst one. The one where i held the metal downt the longest. Where i cried the hardest, not bc it hurt, but bc you hurt me and didn't seem to care.
him: Well thanks.
me: ....Sorry. Next time i'll lie.
him: Noo, how bout you just do something else besides burn yourself? Just makes me feel like shit. And I don't wanna be with you cuz i feel forced to be just to stop you from hurting yourself
(sidenote: this is where i first started to cry; he said he didn't want to be with me)
me: Burning myself was an expirament, and i don't plan on doing it again. I'm sorry. I won't tell you anything anymore. I told you i was awful, and i ruin everthing. I'm sorry. So you're done with me?
(sidenote: i'll probably end up burning myself again.)
him: No I'm nott. Just realize your making it harder on me everytime you do something like that
me: I'll keep my mouth shut, i promise. I'm so sorry.
(sidenote: i do plan on not telling him anything really negative anymore)
him: No, that's not the issue. I'd rather you tell me, obviously. It's the fact you even do it.
me: I'm messed up! Don't you fucking get that? I'm messed up and don't even know what's wrong with me. I'm in love with the idea of love even more than i love hurting myself. I want to die all the time and stay away from all my friends bc of it. I do everything to die bc death is so easy that it's funny. I'm afraid of it though. I don't want to hurt you by telling you anything bc you obviously resent when i do, so it's a no. I have no one to confide in which makes me feel worse. So, i'll make your life easier by shutting the hell up and putting on a fake smile.
him: It's not funny for everyone elsee. Just pleaseee try not to do it.
him: And don't worry about making my life easier cuz it's obv not gonna go everywhere if all I'm worried about is making yours easier.
(sidenote: i didn't understand that text)
me: I want to go swimming.
me: So where does this put us? What do you WANT me to do?
him: What do you mean?
me: What do i meand about swimming, or what you want me to do?
him: The second one
me: Do you want to talk to me anymore? Do you want me to stop telling you about all my problems? Do you want me to write you notes at school? Do you want me out of your life? What do you want? Do you even want me?
him: I don't want any of that to go awayy. I still want you.
(sidenote: i smiled through my tears here at the last part)
me: Okay. Any specifics though bc i want you in my life still.
him: Idk, no.. I just want us to be like we were before.
me: Same. Thank God. i doubt you'll write me notes again, but stop avoiding me, please.
him: I willl
me: Thank you. What did i do wrong, though.
him: Nothing.
me: Okay... Blue and yellow is my favorite used song. Just saying bc i'm listening to it now. What are you doing?
him: Playing guitarr
me: OMJ my friend steve's doing the same thing! he gave me my first hug from a guy back in 6th grade!
him: Good story.
me: thanks d: i fell down the stairs the other day at school. Legit, tumbled down half a flight going to study. It ws sooooo funny!! I have a bruise on my hip and legs
him: Aww :[ that's so sad!
me: I was laughing so hard! Thanks, though(x why were you avoiding me?
him: Stop asking that
me: Sorry
him: Well I'm going to be out all night. I'll ttyl <3
that was in the afternoon. i texted him around 10:30p- 11:00ishp saying goodnight
him: Night darling!<3 (:
me: <3
and now we're texting this morning, and i'm trying really hard to act normal.... even though i'm extremely crushed.
Day 12- How you found out about Tumblr and why you made one
Day 12- How you found out about Tumblr and why you made one
my old friend hayley was talking about it on twitter, so i decided it would be cool to look it up. it looked interesting so i made one. (:
my old friend hayley was talking about it on twitter, so i decided it would be cool to look it up. it looked interesting so i made one. (:
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
at ron a roll- me, alize, angie, and kris
since, i'm not really friends with alize and i hate kris, i'll put another pic up (:
okay! this is better. veeka is my best friend in the world, and so is christa. they look lovely, while i look awful haha (:
since, i'm not really friends with alize and i hate kris, i'll put another pic up (:
Friday, November 19, 2010
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
happy- G6/ far east movement
sad- smother me/ the used
bored- anything by john mayer
hyped- i gotta feeling/ BEP
mad- shit, i forgot the name (x
happy- G6/ far east movement
sad- smother me/ the used
bored- anything by john mayer
hyped- i gotta feeling/ BEP
mad- shit, i forgot the name (x
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
i haven't missed one homework assignment even though i'm super behind bc of all the school i missed \m/ awesomeee
i haven't missed one homework assignment even though i'm super behind bc of all the school i missed \m/ awesomeee
Would you rather be really hot or really cold?
really cold, definately ( i think about this a lot lol)
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
if he cared.
if he cared, he would write me notes again
if he cared, he would text me back
if he cared, he would try to see me in between classes like he used to
if he cared, he would smile when he sees me
if he cared, he would look at me and touch my arm
if he cared, he would be at my locker
if he cared, then he would show me not tell me
if he cared, he would've picked me
if he cared, he'd be sad that he messed me up
why do i still care?
if he cared, he would text me back
if he cared, he would try to see me in between classes like he used to
if he cared, he would smile when he sees me
if he cared, he would look at me and touch my arm
if he cared, he would be at my locker
if he cared, then he would show me not tell me
if he cared, he would've picked me
if he cared, he'd be sad that he messed me up
why do i still care?
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
my goal for this month is to get all my homework in bc it's the start of a new quarter, and i want to show everyone how smart i actually am when i apply myself.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Monday, November 15, 2010
just finished a tall glass of grape soda....
museum with dad soon for one of my favorite artists (: (m c escher)
dan's not a virgin....
i keep losing friends
dramatic phone conversations with lauren
constantly checking my phone to see if he texts me back... big surprise, he hasn't
i wish life could be as simple as a romantic comedy
going out with girls all of a sudden (julia, breanna, mishell) ???
i keep forgetting to call justin
andrew hastings hates me (: but he still keeps coming back
patdick and i texted the other day o.O
kyle is suddenly talking to me?
trent stopped talking to me.....
chase ♥♥♥
all i feel like doing is sleeping.... i'm always so tired.
i feel like i'm dieing.
museum with dad soon for one of my favorite artists (: (m c escher)
dan's not a virgin....
i keep losing friends
dramatic phone conversations with lauren
constantly checking my phone to see if he texts me back... big surprise, he hasn't
i wish life could be as simple as a romantic comedy
going out with girls all of a sudden (julia, breanna, mishell) ???
i keep forgetting to call justin
andrew hastings hates me (: but he still keeps coming back
patdick and i texted the other day o.O
kyle is suddenly talking to me?
trent stopped talking to me.....
chase ♥♥♥
all i feel like doing is sleeping.... i'm always so tired.
i feel like i'm dieing.
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
super mario, just bc he's the shit. he can do anything (: like survive in space and under water!!! he's little and cute and he can grow and he can bust blocks open with his head and has the cutest backround music. and he has so many friends and just wants to help everyone out all the time. he's also been around FOREVER <3
Sunday, November 14, 2010
WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: Grape Soda
2. Last phone call: Andrew Hastings
3. Last text message: Lauren Bis
4. Last song you listened to: The Used
5. Last time you cried: right now
HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Got back with someone you've broken up with: yes, Nick
7. Been cheated on: yes
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: yea....
9. Lost someone special: yes
10. Been depressed: Yes
11. Been drunk and threw up: half of that
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Gray
13. Dark Purple
14. Black
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2010)
15. Made a new friend: mhm
16. Fallen out of love: ...yes....
17. Laughed until you cried: yes
18. Met someone who changed you: Yes
19. Found out who your true friends were: yes
20. Found out someone was talking about you: yes
21. Kissed anyone on your Facebook friend's list: yes, a few people
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: all of them.
23. How many kids do you want?: 0 or 3
25. Do you want to change your name: kind of
26. What did you do for your last birthday?: something with chad
27. What time did you wake up today?: 8:58a
28. What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: graduation
30. Last time you saw your Mother: right now
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? .....
32. What are you listening to right now: weather channel
34. Who is getting on your nerves now?: mom/dad/kristina/kyle/luke/dan
35. Most visited webpage: Facebook/Tumblr/Blogspot/Formspring/AOL/Playlist/YouTube
36.Whats your real name: Tatyana Olegovna
37. Nicknames: way too many to name
38. Zodiac sign: Capricorn
40. Male or female?: Female
41. Primary School?: Center Road
42. Secondary School?: Vernon Center
43. High school/college?: East Catholic
44. Hair color: i don't really know.... it likes to be different colors in different lighting... i'll say dark-brownish-red
45. Long or short: short
46. Height: 5'1"
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: i wouldn't call it a crush...
48: What do you like about yourself? i'll never lie
49. Piercings: 2
50: Tattoos: wanted
51. Righty or lefty: righty
FIRST:
52. First surgery: my mouth
53. First piercing: Ears
54. First best friend: alex, in the orphanage
55. First sport you joined: Irish Step Dancing, or Gymnastics
56. First vacation: that farm in Penn
57. First pair of trainers: not sure...
RIGHT NOW:
58. Eating: nothing
59. Drinking: nothing
60. I'm about to: FART REALLY LOUDLY (jk)
61. Listening to: the basketball game and my parents talk to the TV
62. Waiting for: a text...
63. I'm feeling: depressed
YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids?: not really
65. Get married?: not sure
66. Career: Cosmetologist
67. Lips or eyes: Eyes.
68. Hugs or kisses: depends on the person... love both, though....
69. Shorter or taller: Taller.
70. Older or Younger: Older.
71. Romantic or spontaneous: Both.
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: both
73. Sensitive or loud: Both.
74. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship
HAVE YOU:
75. Kissed a stranger: yes ^.^
76. Drank hard Liquor: yes
77. Lost glasses/contacts: yessirreeee
78. Sex on first date: no, on the 3rd date, though....
79. Broken someone's heart: Yes, a few hearts (:
80. Been arrested: yes
81. Turned someone down : Yes haha just a couple minutes ago (x
82. Cried when someone died: Yea
83. Fallen for a friend: yes..
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
84. Yourself: no....
85. Love at first sight: experienced it first hand, haven't i?
86. Heaven: eh.....
87. Santa Claus: is that a joke?
88. Kiss on the first date: well, duh, if i liked the guy
90. God: uh....
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
91. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: there's technicallities involved....
92. Did you sing today?: wow... no, i haven't....
93. Did something illegal? yes
94. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: last year... june...
96. Are you afraid of falling in love?: of course.
97. When was the last time you lied?: probably to my parents today.
98. Are you usually late, early or right on time?: a mix of the three
99. Would you give your life to save someone else's?: yes
100. Are you afraid of posting this as 100 truths?: Nope.
1. Last beverage: Grape Soda
2. Last phone call: Andrew Hastings
3. Last text message: Lauren Bis
4. Last song you listened to: The Used
5. Last time you cried: right now
HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Got back with someone you've broken up with: yes, Nick
7. Been cheated on: yes
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: yea....
9. Lost someone special: yes
10. Been depressed: Yes
11. Been drunk and threw up: half of that
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Gray
13. Dark Purple
14. Black
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2010)
15. Made a new friend: mhm
16. Fallen out of love: ...yes....
17. Laughed until you cried: yes
18. Met someone who changed you: Yes
19. Found out who your true friends were: yes
20. Found out someone was talking about you: yes
21. Kissed anyone on your Facebook friend's list: yes, a few people
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: all of them.
23. How many kids do you want?: 0 or 3
25. Do you want to change your name: kind of
26. What did you do for your last birthday?: something with chad
27. What time did you wake up today?: 8:58a
28. What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: graduation
30. Last time you saw your Mother: right now
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? .....
32. What are you listening to right now: weather channel
34. Who is getting on your nerves now?: mom/dad/kristina/kyle/luke/dan
35. Most visited webpage: Facebook/Tumblr/Blogspot/Formspring/AOL/Playlist/YouTube
36.Whats your real name: Tatyana Olegovna
37. Nicknames: way too many to name
38. Zodiac sign: Capricorn
40. Male or female?: Female
41. Primary School?: Center Road
42. Secondary School?: Vernon Center
43. High school/college?: East Catholic
44. Hair color: i don't really know.... it likes to be different colors in different lighting... i'll say dark-brownish-red
45. Long or short: short
46. Height: 5'1"
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: i wouldn't call it a crush...
48: What do you like about yourself? i'll never lie
49. Piercings: 2
50: Tattoos: wanted
51. Righty or lefty: righty
FIRST:
52. First surgery: my mouth
53. First piercing: Ears
54. First best friend: alex, in the orphanage
55. First sport you joined: Irish Step Dancing, or Gymnastics
56. First vacation: that farm in Penn
57. First pair of trainers: not sure...
RIGHT NOW:
58. Eating: nothing
59. Drinking: nothing
60. I'm about to: FART REALLY LOUDLY (jk)
61. Listening to: the basketball game and my parents talk to the TV
62. Waiting for: a text...
63. I'm feeling: depressed
YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids?: not really
65. Get married?: not sure
66. Career: Cosmetologist
67. Lips or eyes: Eyes.
68. Hugs or kisses: depends on the person... love both, though....
69. Shorter or taller: Taller.
70. Older or Younger: Older.
71. Romantic or spontaneous: Both.
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: both
73. Sensitive or loud: Both.
74. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship
HAVE YOU:
75. Kissed a stranger: yes ^.^
76. Drank hard Liquor: yes
77. Lost glasses/contacts: yessirreeee
78. Sex on first date: no, on the 3rd date, though....
79. Broken someone's heart: Yes, a few hearts (:
80. Been arrested: yes
81. Turned someone down : Yes haha just a couple minutes ago (x
82. Cried when someone died: Yea
83. Fallen for a friend: yes..
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
84. Yourself: no....
85. Love at first sight: experienced it first hand, haven't i?
86. Heaven: eh.....
87. Santa Claus: is that a joke?
88. Kiss on the first date: well, duh, if i liked the guy
90. God: uh....
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
91. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: there's technicallities involved....
92. Did you sing today?: wow... no, i haven't....
93. Did something illegal? yes
94. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: last year... june...
96. Are you afraid of falling in love?: of course.
97. When was the last time you lied?: probably to my parents today.
98. Are you usually late, early or right on time?: a mix of the three
99. Would you give your life to save someone else's?: yes
100. Are you afraid of posting this as 100 truths?: Nope.
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
haha. so this was last april vacation. my family and i went to canada. one thing that's illegal is taking pix of the canadian border. guess what this is fuckers!!!! it's the canadian border.... Woooot scandalous (;
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
a habit i wish i didn't have was over-analyzing everything.... i'll emphasize on that some other time...
a habit i wish i didn't have was over-analyzing everything.... i'll emphasize on that some other time...
Friday, November 12, 2010
Ways To Get To A Girls Heart
Hug her from behind.
Grab her hand when you guys walk next to each other.
When standing, wrap your arms around her.
Cuddle with her.
Dont force her to do ANYTHING!
Write little notes.
Compliment her.
When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible.
Say I love you…..and MEAN IT!
Brush the hair out of her eyes
Comfort her when she cries.
Love her with all your heart
Grab her hand when you guys walk next to each other.
When standing, wrap your arms around her.
Cuddle with her.
Dont force her to do ANYTHING!
Write little notes.
Compliment her.
When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible.
Say I love you…..and MEAN IT!
Brush the hair out of her eyes
Comfort her when she cries.
Love her with all your heart
wow.... all these things remind me of him.... well, i'll wait... definately not desperate here. but we all know how i am. super patient. super honest, but i do keep things in my head sometimes. i'm proud of his decision, though. ♥♥♥
oh hey.... my tumblr is obviously http://www.tuhbitha.tumblr.com/ like just in case you wanted to see how stupid it is. (:
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
this was at homecoming... not all of these people are my friends, but a lot of my friends are probably in this haha (:
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Day 02- The meaning behind your Tumblr name
Day 02- The meaning behind your Tumblr name
as you can see, i stole this from Tumblr. haha. it's just my code name. tuhbitha berkley. if i were ever a superstar, i'd be tUHbitha. UH would be the name of my first albulm.... tabitha is how i used to spell it, but i don't like the long a sound, so i changed it to "uh" bc that sounds better. there's more to the story, but i don't feel like explaining it to you dweebs (8
as you can see, i stole this from Tumblr. haha. it's just my code name. tuhbitha berkley. if i were ever a superstar, i'd be tUHbitha. UH would be the name of my first albulm.... tabitha is how i used to spell it, but i don't like the long a sound, so i changed it to "uh" bc that sounds better. there's more to the story, but i don't feel like explaining it to you dweebs (8
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
I want a boy who will move the hair away from my eyes, and then kiss me. Who will hold my hand in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous. A boy who will sing to me at random moments. Who lets me sleep on his chest. I want a guy who will tell his family and friends all about me. Bring me soup or orange juice when I’m sick. I want a boy who is more goofy than romantic, but knows the right things to say at the right times. I want a boy who will call me 3 times a day if he went away. A boy who will apologize for calling too much, and no matter how many times I tell him its okay, he’d still do it. A boy who will let me gossip to him and just smile and agree with everything I say. A boy who will throw stuffed animals at me when I acted dumb and then jump on me and kiss me a million times. Who will bet kisses on who could beat who on at game. Who makes fun of me just to make me laugh. A boy who will surprise me with 25 cent ring and we could have contest of how far we can spit our gum. Who will take me to the park, put his hands around my waist and give me big bear hugs all the time. A boy who will kiss my neck, just to have a reason to tell me how much he loves my new perfume. I want a boy who, at night, who will dance in his pajamas with me. A boy who will take pictures in photo booths with me, someone who will never turn down a trip to the lake and who will play tag on the beach with me. A boy who could sit with me on the kitchen floor and eat sandwiches. Who will kiss me in the pouring rain. I want a boy who would try to teach me how to play the guitar, even if we just end up laughing at each other. I want a boy who will run his fingers through my hair, share his lollipops with me, and get along with all of my friends. Someone who would never be afraid to say I love you in front of his friends and someone who would argue with me about silly things just to make up. I want a boy who will take me to Target to just make fun of some of the stuff there. Someone who will kiss me at midnight on New Years and who will make funny faces at me when I’m on the phone. I want a boy who will count stars with me and be friends with my family. I want a boy who will stay home with me on a Friday night just to help me make dinner and watch movies together under the same blanket. Someone who will squirt water guns at me in the house after I’ve got him soaked. I want a boy who looks me the eye and tell me something serious, that was also funny and make me promise not to laugh. A boy who could make me laugh like no one else can. I want a boy who will hold me closer than normal when I’m sick, and would play with my hair. But mostly I want a boy who is my best friend and will always be there for me.
DAY 01: a recent pic of yourself and 15 facts
1: i love to sing in the car
2: i don't dance, i rock out
3: it's hard for me to trust people
4: i'm very shy
5: my laugh is obnoxiously loud, and i hate it
6: i have a lot of haters
7: i'm in love
8: i've only been dumped twice
9: i weigh 102lbs
10: i'm addicted to coffee coolatas with whipped cream
11: i paint my nails all the time
12: i taught myself how to use makeup in elementary school
13: i want to be a cosmetologist when i'm older
14: i want to go back to russia
15: i have a lot more to say than these "15 facts"
30 day posting challenge.
Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your Tumblr name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Tumblr and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you?
Day 02- The meaning behind your Tumblr name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Tumblr and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you?
i know... it's not christmas
Christmas Survey from Quizopolis.com
Have you been naughty or nice this year? - in between
What do you want most for Christmas? - a jaguar print snuggie
Do you believe in Father Christmas? - not really... maybe a little bit
What is your favorite food at Christmas? - candy canes
Have you started your Christmas shopping yet? - nope....
Have you finished your Christmas shopping yet? - did you read the above question/answer???
What is your favorite Christmas song? - 12 days of christmas
What is your favorite Christmas movie? - the christmas carol
What is your best memory of Christmas? - my first christmas in america
What do you look forward to most at Christmas? - no school
What are you doing for Christmas this year? - i\'m not sure.
Who do you want to kiss under the mistletoe? - someone...
What kind of Christmas tree do you have? - a real one?
Do you take part in a secret santa? - sometimes
Do you go to any Christmas parties? - yes
Have you ever had a white Christmas? - yes, they\'re my favorite
How early do you wake up on Christmas morning? - 6:30a
Do you still get a stocking? - yes... duh?
How many Christmas cards do you normally send out? - none?
What is your Christmas wish? - the same as it always is
Take This Survey at Quizopolis.com
http://www.quizopolis.com/christmas_survey.php
Have you been naughty or nice this year? - in between
What do you want most for Christmas? - a jaguar print snuggie
Do you believe in Father Christmas? - not really... maybe a little bit
What is your favorite food at Christmas? - candy canes
Have you started your Christmas shopping yet? - nope....
Have you finished your Christmas shopping yet? - did you read the above question/answer???
What is your favorite Christmas song? - 12 days of christmas
What is your favorite Christmas movie? - the christmas carol
What is your best memory of Christmas? - my first christmas in america
What do you look forward to most at Christmas? - no school
What are you doing for Christmas this year? - i\'m not sure.
Who do you want to kiss under the mistletoe? - someone...
What kind of Christmas tree do you have? - a real one?
Do you take part in a secret santa? - sometimes
Do you go to any Christmas parties? - yes
Have you ever had a white Christmas? - yes, they\'re my favorite
How early do you wake up on Christmas morning? - 6:30a
Do you still get a stocking? - yes... duh?
How many Christmas cards do you normally send out? - none?
What is your Christmas wish? - the same as it always is
Take This Survey at Quizopolis.com
http://www.quizopolis.com/christmas_survey.php
20 random/weird questions
20 Strange Random Questions Survey from Quizopolis.com
In a elavator would you tap someone on the shoulder and pertend it was not you? - yes. that\'s always funny bc they look around clueless, while you\'re just whistling
What is your pet name? - professor hammie
Do you shower daily? - ....
Have you given anyone a patriotic wedgey? - no...
How old is your mom? - 57
If you had the chance to stick a bunch of cherry bombs in a toilet, would you? - yea... i\'d get a kick out of their reaction. i\'d wait around to see it... you know, all nonchalant and shit
How woulds you like to die? - .......n/a
Have you been run over in the last year? - my heart has...
If not, would you like to be? - not really, kind of gross
What was your hottest teachers name? - mr. lapointe
Do you whish you could fly? - not really
How long do you have to live? - changes everyday doesn\'t it?
Where is you favorite place to hide? - behind my door, it\'s so obvious that no one ever check there. under my pillow, too.
When was the last time you played tag? - uhmmmm at elaina\'s bday party.
What is your favorite quote? - \"give me my sin again.\" end of act 1 or romeo and juliet. right after their first kiss.
Who would you like to kiss? - that\'s kind of a personal question
What color would you change the sky to be if you could? - a light purple. a little deeper than traditional lilac
What did you last eat? - glaze donut
What would you like to have as your last supper? - dumplings
If you could ask god anything, what would it be? - why did you make me this way?
Take This Survey at Quizopolis.com
http://www.quizopolis.com/survey/7134/20-Strange-Random-Questions-Survey/
In a elavator would you tap someone on the shoulder and pertend it was not you? - yes. that\'s always funny bc they look around clueless, while you\'re just whistling
What is your pet name? - professor hammie
Do you shower daily? - ....
Have you given anyone a patriotic wedgey? - no...
How old is your mom? - 57
If you had the chance to stick a bunch of cherry bombs in a toilet, would you? - yea... i\'d get a kick out of their reaction. i\'d wait around to see it... you know, all nonchalant and shit
How woulds you like to die? - .......n/a
Have you been run over in the last year? - my heart has...
If not, would you like to be? - not really, kind of gross
What was your hottest teachers name? - mr. lapointe
Do you whish you could fly? - not really
How long do you have to live? - changes everyday doesn\'t it?
Where is you favorite place to hide? - behind my door, it\'s so obvious that no one ever check there. under my pillow, too.
When was the last time you played tag? - uhmmmm at elaina\'s bday party.
What is your favorite quote? - \"give me my sin again.\" end of act 1 or romeo and juliet. right after their first kiss.
Who would you like to kiss? - that\'s kind of a personal question
What color would you change the sky to be if you could? - a light purple. a little deeper than traditional lilac
What did you last eat? - glaze donut
What would you like to have as your last supper? - dumplings
If you could ask god anything, what would it be? - why did you make me this way?
Take This Survey at Quizopolis.com
http://www.quizopolis.com/survey/7134/20-Strange-Random-Questions-Survey/
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
someone reading my blog [alison] asked me in my c-box "how do you love someone without getting hurt?"
i told her that i'd try and answer her question.
love is not something that's ever going to be easy. there's always one person who loves the other person more. there may be lies and these lies can effect everything else you think about them. you can't put yourself too far out there bc, in the long run, you may get hurt. i hope you never get hurt. don't ever lie when you think you love someone. sometime in the future, the lies will come back and bite you in the butt. you can't try too hard or try too less. consistancy is always good; don't change your mind too quickly bc sometimes you can change it for the wrong reason. you may get your heart broken. don't we all? i'll admit, i can be sadistic and other people can be too. for the most part, i'm not, though. you have to trust yourself and your feelings and trust your partner with your feelings. don't doubt what they've told you bc they can very well be telling you the absolute truth all the time. if you find proof that you cannot trust them, let them go first and throw them out like a day old muffin. you don't need that kind of drama in your life messing you up and screwing you over. you're strong so act on your strengths. love is never easy. don't you wish there was a "love handbook" telling you all the rules and what everything means? i'm sorry that i can't answer this question.
i told her that i'd try and answer her question.
love is not something that's ever going to be easy. there's always one person who loves the other person more. there may be lies and these lies can effect everything else you think about them. you can't put yourself too far out there bc, in the long run, you may get hurt. i hope you never get hurt. don't ever lie when you think you love someone. sometime in the future, the lies will come back and bite you in the butt. you can't try too hard or try too less. consistancy is always good; don't change your mind too quickly bc sometimes you can change it for the wrong reason. you may get your heart broken. don't we all? i'll admit, i can be sadistic and other people can be too. for the most part, i'm not, though. you have to trust yourself and your feelings and trust your partner with your feelings. don't doubt what they've told you bc they can very well be telling you the absolute truth all the time. if you find proof that you cannot trust them, let them go first and throw them out like a day old muffin. you don't need that kind of drama in your life messing you up and screwing you over. you're strong so act on your strengths. love is never easy. don't you wish there was a "love handbook" telling you all the rules and what everything means? i'm sorry that i can't answer this question.
something got me thinking about my hair.
* I’ve been brown
* I’ve had streaks
* I’ve cut my hair in the past year
* I’ve dyed my hair in the past year
* I’ve been blonde
* I’ve been red
* I’ve been light brown
* I’ve been medium brown
* I’ve been blue or green
* I’ve gotten my hair thinned
* I use conditioner
* I’ve used Silk Therapy
* I’ve used hot oil treatments
* I’ve curled my hair
* I’ve straightened my hair
* I’ve ironed my hair
* I’ve braided my hair
(purple means YES, pink means NO)
* I’ve had streaks
* I’ve cut my hair in the past year
* I’ve dyed my hair in the past year
* I’ve been blonde
* I’ve been red
* I’ve been light brown
* I’ve been medium brown
* I’ve been blue or green
* I’ve gotten my hair thinned
* I use conditioner
* I’ve used Silk Therapy
* I’ve used hot oil treatments
* I’ve curled my hair
* I’ve straightened my hair
* I’ve ironed my hair
* I’ve braided my hair
(purple means YES, pink means NO)
i could've died today. it's the closest i've ever felt death to me before. it's scary to think that i don't even have the will to keep myself alive anymore. the thought of suicide scares me. i want to die, but i don't want to kill myself. it would make me pathetic. suicide is stupid, but somehow i always drift towards it. i could answer all the questions simply in a sole letter on my lifeless chest. i wish i could feel people's pain and sadness on how my death effected them. no one would care, though. i don't have many friends that i'm really close to. lauren would go on, kelsey would go on. my "family" would go on. my lack of existance wouldn't change anything about reality. so what's stopping me? i want to see if there's someone out there for me. i want to see if love really does exist and isn't just a one sided reality. i want to feel wanted. i want someone to need me in the way that i need them. i want to be the only one in their heart, and i want to be the only one on their mind. it's selfish and stupid. love is the only thing i'm able to hold on to. i've felt it once.... i want to feel it again before i exit this world.
i keep telling my self not to care, that i shouldn't care
i keep telling myself that i shouldn't have fallen, but i've already fallen
i keep telling myself to look the other way, but i look right at what's in front of me
i keep telling myself that things will change, but i see no changes
i keep telling myself not to lie, but i really want to lie
i keep telling myself that if he loved me, then he would do something.
so far, nothings' happening.
i knew homecoming was going to be hard with him bringing her. i knew i'd be hurt. i didn't want to look at them. i wanted to have fun. i felt like every time i wasn't looking, they kissed or touched. i felt like everytime i looked, that i had been stabbed in the heart. his contact name on my cell is: Robby Heart bc he has robbed me of my heart. i can't take back my feelings for him. i think i've fallen. my depression has become so much worse than it's ever been. i've pretty much drugged myself bc i feel so much pain. my pain is not only emotional, but it's now physical. whenever i breathe, i get a searing pain and gasp... whenever i sit, stand, or lay down, i hesitate bc it hurts so much. my head is throbbing. all i can do is think. i'm a pessimist most of the time so, of course, i'm thinking about all the negatives in my life and the lives around me. i'm not completely selfish.
why do i put my whole self out there? i make myself so vulnerable. i should really start lieing again, it came so easily for me. lieing was as easy as walking. it's so easy to play games on people.
one time i played a game with a boy i knew was trying to break my heart. i kept telling him i loved him whenever he said it to me. i acted like nothing was wrong and acted like i wanted him around. in my head, i was planning. i was planning on how long to stretch out this "relationship" i had with him. i pretty much lied about everything. everything i said was a lie. i'm a smart girl, and i have skills. i loved having an advantage over him, i loved the feeling of power over him. i knew he was a virgin. so one night, i took his virginity. the next day, i dumped him. i destroyed him. i knew he was going to use me for sex, so i pretty much did the same thing, but i did it a lot quicker. i let him grow attached to me before anything. i made him need me. i did and said certain things that would tear him apart without him knowing i was behind anything. i was able to make him vulnerable. i destroyed him, and i loved it.
i'm really an awful person if i feel like i'm being messed with. people take a lot of the things i say seriously bc i say them in a way that sounds serious. it's easy, it's fun. i'm very sadistic like that. i like seeing someone hurt bc of me bc i've been hurt so much. i watch out for things like that. i don't need to be hurt. people don't understand how smart i am, and how in-tune i am with human emotions. i'm able to read actions and percieve things people say differently than most others can. i've learned bc i've been so hurt.
i'm looking out for myself
i feel like my heart will be broken, though. maybe a small part of it already has been broken....
i keep telling myself that i shouldn't have fallen, but i've already fallen
i keep telling myself to look the other way, but i look right at what's in front of me
i keep telling myself that things will change, but i see no changes
i keep telling myself not to lie, but i really want to lie
i keep telling myself that if he loved me, then he would do something.
so far, nothings' happening.
i knew homecoming was going to be hard with him bringing her. i knew i'd be hurt. i didn't want to look at them. i wanted to have fun. i felt like every time i wasn't looking, they kissed or touched. i felt like everytime i looked, that i had been stabbed in the heart. his contact name on my cell is: Robby Heart bc he has robbed me of my heart. i can't take back my feelings for him. i think i've fallen. my depression has become so much worse than it's ever been. i've pretty much drugged myself bc i feel so much pain. my pain is not only emotional, but it's now physical. whenever i breathe, i get a searing pain and gasp... whenever i sit, stand, or lay down, i hesitate bc it hurts so much. my head is throbbing. all i can do is think. i'm a pessimist most of the time so, of course, i'm thinking about all the negatives in my life and the lives around me. i'm not completely selfish.
why do i put my whole self out there? i make myself so vulnerable. i should really start lieing again, it came so easily for me. lieing was as easy as walking. it's so easy to play games on people.
one time i played a game with a boy i knew was trying to break my heart. i kept telling him i loved him whenever he said it to me. i acted like nothing was wrong and acted like i wanted him around. in my head, i was planning. i was planning on how long to stretch out this "relationship" i had with him. i pretty much lied about everything. everything i said was a lie. i'm a smart girl, and i have skills. i loved having an advantage over him, i loved the feeling of power over him. i knew he was a virgin. so one night, i took his virginity. the next day, i dumped him. i destroyed him. i knew he was going to use me for sex, so i pretty much did the same thing, but i did it a lot quicker. i let him grow attached to me before anything. i made him need me. i did and said certain things that would tear him apart without him knowing i was behind anything. i was able to make him vulnerable. i destroyed him, and i loved it.
i'm really an awful person if i feel like i'm being messed with. people take a lot of the things i say seriously bc i say them in a way that sounds serious. it's easy, it's fun. i'm very sadistic like that. i like seeing someone hurt bc of me bc i've been hurt so much. i watch out for things like that. i don't need to be hurt. people don't understand how smart i am, and how in-tune i am with human emotions. i'm able to read actions and percieve things people say differently than most others can. i've learned bc i've been so hurt.
i'm looking out for myself
i feel like my heart will be broken, though. maybe a small part of it already has been broken....
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Coolest church ever.I want to start going here.I've never believed or payed attention to God until now.it's like an epiphany.our parents are arranging something
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
totally going to drop french next year....
i'm exhausted
FML
had a pretty good day, but kind of bad at the same time.
i have friends now! omj, ikr!!?
....andrew hastings....BAHABAHAAAHAAAA
chase *licks lips*
luke *stubborn face*
dan *confused face*
kelsey *happy face*
lauren *distressed face*
.... i really need some sleep....
OMIGAWD! HOMECOMING TOMORROW! getting ready at kelsey's, doing her hair/makeup/nails if i want to, going to dinner before the dance, mom's picking her and i up then bringing us to her house so i can sleep over. going to her church in the morning. it sounds interesting. she's christian, i'm catholic... you know
i'm exhausted
FML
had a pretty good day, but kind of bad at the same time.
i have friends now! omj, ikr!!?
....andrew hastings....BAHABAHAAAHAAAA
chase *licks lips*
luke *stubborn face*
dan *confused face*
kelsey *happy face*
lauren *distressed face*
.... i really need some sleep....
OMIGAWD! HOMECOMING TOMORROW! getting ready at kelsey's, doing her hair/makeup/nails if i want to, going to dinner before the dance, mom's picking her and i up then bringing us to her house so i can sleep over. going to her church in the morning. it sounds interesting. she's christian, i'm catholic... you know
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
wow... that's totally me (the sticky note apple)
it hurts to pretend. it hurts to put up a front. i want to be alone to cry. i don't want to be alone
when i die.
eternity
and all i have to say
is don't leave me here
just stay
i'll be yours forever
i promise you that
even if you want me gone
i'm still here
i'm still here
i'll never leave you
i'll never lie
you'll be in my heart until the day i die
you are mine
and i love you
it's all so easy to say
i need you here
with me, babe
because you're the blood that runs through my veins
you're the one that's on my brain
i think of you
and i smile
i'll stay like this for a while
because when i think of you
i think of love
you are love
you are love
and you're all i want
you're all i need
just stay here with me, baby, please
i'll be yours forever
don't abandon me
i see you smile, and i shake at the knees
you make me weak
you make me happy
i've never felt this way
about someone, babe
so don't hurt me
protect me
be gentle
don't destroy me
you're not just another guy
i couldn't think that
even if i tried
it's different from before
i find myself
wanting you
more and more
i'll do anything
for you
you've got me tied around your finger
you do
don't abuse this
or you'll lose and miss
i love you
that's all i'll say
to you
your face
for all eternity
for all eternity
is don't leave me here
just stay
i'll be yours forever
i promise you that
even if you want me gone
i'm still here
i'm still here
i'll never leave you
i'll never lie
you'll be in my heart until the day i die
you are mine
and i love you
it's all so easy to say
i need you here
with me, babe
because you're the blood that runs through my veins
you're the one that's on my brain
i think of you
and i smile
i'll stay like this for a while
because when i think of you
i think of love
you are love
you are love
and you're all i want
you're all i need
just stay here with me, baby, please
i'll be yours forever
don't abandon me
i see you smile, and i shake at the knees
you make me weak
you make me happy
i've never felt this way
about someone, babe
so don't hurt me
protect me
be gentle
don't destroy me
you're not just another guy
i couldn't think that
even if i tried
it's different from before
i find myself
wanting you
more and more
i'll do anything
for you
you've got me tied around your finger
you do
don't abuse this
or you'll lose and miss
i love you
that's all i'll say
to you
your face
for all eternity
for all eternity
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
omigod... chase... next weekend he's coming back... i'm going to have him over (; i've missed him... thinking of him makes me moan mmmmm *bites lip*
it's not like i have a boyfriend. chase and i aren't anything... but neither are my school bud and i.... yet. until then, i'm free. not like he's making the effort for me either. he shouldn't care or make a big deal. yes i love him, this isn't bad or anything. he's done worse. i can back my arguements.
(;
it's not like i have a boyfriend. chase and i aren't anything... but neither are my school bud and i.... yet. until then, i'm free. not like he's making the effort for me either. he shouldn't care or make a big deal. yes i love him, this isn't bad or anything. he's done worse. i can back my arguements.
(;
Monday, November 1, 2010
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