someone reading my blog [alison] asked me in my c-box "how do you love someone without getting hurt?"
i told her that i'd try and answer her question.
love is not something that's ever going to be easy. there's always one person who loves the other person more. there may be lies and these lies can effect everything else you think about them. you can't put yourself too far out there bc, in the long run, you may get hurt. i hope you never get hurt. don't ever lie when you think you love someone. sometime in the future, the lies will come back and bite you in the butt. you can't try too hard or try too less. consistancy is always good; don't change your mind too quickly bc sometimes you can change it for the wrong reason. you may get your heart broken. don't we all? i'll admit, i can be sadistic and other people can be too. for the most part, i'm not, though. you have to trust yourself and your feelings and trust your partner with your feelings. don't doubt what they've told you bc they can very well be telling you the absolute truth all the time. if you find proof that you cannot trust them, let them go first and throw them out like a day old muffin. you don't need that kind of drama in your life messing you up and screwing you over. you're strong so act on your strengths. love is never easy. don't you wish there was a "love handbook" telling you all the rules and what everything means? i'm sorry that i can't answer this question.
Monday, November 8, 2010
something got me thinking about my hair.
* I’ve been brown
* I’ve had streaks
* I’ve cut my hair in the past year
* I’ve dyed my hair in the past year
* I’ve been blonde
* I’ve been red
* I’ve been light brown
* I’ve been medium brown
* I’ve been blue or green
* I’ve gotten my hair thinned
* I use conditioner
* I’ve used Silk Therapy
* I’ve used hot oil treatments
* I’ve curled my hair
* I’ve straightened my hair
* I’ve ironed my hair
* I’ve braided my hair
(purple means YES, pink means NO)
* I’ve had streaks
* I’ve cut my hair in the past year
* I’ve dyed my hair in the past year
* I’ve been blonde
* I’ve been red
* I’ve been light brown
* I’ve been medium brown
* I’ve been blue or green
* I’ve gotten my hair thinned
* I use conditioner
* I’ve used Silk Therapy
* I’ve used hot oil treatments
* I’ve curled my hair
* I’ve straightened my hair
* I’ve ironed my hair
* I’ve braided my hair
(purple means YES, pink means NO)
i could've died today. it's the closest i've ever felt death to me before. it's scary to think that i don't even have the will to keep myself alive anymore. the thought of suicide scares me. i want to die, but i don't want to kill myself. it would make me pathetic. suicide is stupid, but somehow i always drift towards it. i could answer all the questions simply in a sole letter on my lifeless chest. i wish i could feel people's pain and sadness on how my death effected them. no one would care, though. i don't have many friends that i'm really close to. lauren would go on, kelsey would go on. my "family" would go on. my lack of existance wouldn't change anything about reality. so what's stopping me? i want to see if there's someone out there for me. i want to see if love really does exist and isn't just a one sided reality. i want to feel wanted. i want someone to need me in the way that i need them. i want to be the only one in their heart, and i want to be the only one on their mind. it's selfish and stupid. love is the only thing i'm able to hold on to. i've felt it once.... i want to feel it again before i exit this world.
i keep telling my self not to care, that i shouldn't care
i keep telling myself that i shouldn't have fallen, but i've already fallen
i keep telling myself to look the other way, but i look right at what's in front of me
i keep telling myself that things will change, but i see no changes
i keep telling myself not to lie, but i really want to lie
i keep telling myself that if he loved me, then he would do something.
so far, nothings' happening.
i knew homecoming was going to be hard with him bringing her. i knew i'd be hurt. i didn't want to look at them. i wanted to have fun. i felt like every time i wasn't looking, they kissed or touched. i felt like everytime i looked, that i had been stabbed in the heart. his contact name on my cell is: Robby Heart bc he has robbed me of my heart. i can't take back my feelings for him. i think i've fallen. my depression has become so much worse than it's ever been. i've pretty much drugged myself bc i feel so much pain. my pain is not only emotional, but it's now physical. whenever i breathe, i get a searing pain and gasp... whenever i sit, stand, or lay down, i hesitate bc it hurts so much. my head is throbbing. all i can do is think. i'm a pessimist most of the time so, of course, i'm thinking about all the negatives in my life and the lives around me. i'm not completely selfish.
why do i put my whole self out there? i make myself so vulnerable. i should really start lieing again, it came so easily for me. lieing was as easy as walking. it's so easy to play games on people.
one time i played a game with a boy i knew was trying to break my heart. i kept telling him i loved him whenever he said it to me. i acted like nothing was wrong and acted like i wanted him around. in my head, i was planning. i was planning on how long to stretch out this "relationship" i had with him. i pretty much lied about everything. everything i said was a lie. i'm a smart girl, and i have skills. i loved having an advantage over him, i loved the feeling of power over him. i knew he was a virgin. so one night, i took his virginity. the next day, i dumped him. i destroyed him. i knew he was going to use me for sex, so i pretty much did the same thing, but i did it a lot quicker. i let him grow attached to me before anything. i made him need me. i did and said certain things that would tear him apart without him knowing i was behind anything. i was able to make him vulnerable. i destroyed him, and i loved it.
i'm really an awful person if i feel like i'm being messed with. people take a lot of the things i say seriously bc i say them in a way that sounds serious. it's easy, it's fun. i'm very sadistic like that. i like seeing someone hurt bc of me bc i've been hurt so much. i watch out for things like that. i don't need to be hurt. people don't understand how smart i am, and how in-tune i am with human emotions. i'm able to read actions and percieve things people say differently than most others can. i've learned bc i've been so hurt.
i'm looking out for myself
i feel like my heart will be broken, though. maybe a small part of it already has been broken....
i keep telling myself that i shouldn't have fallen, but i've already fallen
i keep telling myself to look the other way, but i look right at what's in front of me
i keep telling myself that things will change, but i see no changes
i keep telling myself not to lie, but i really want to lie
i keep telling myself that if he loved me, then he would do something.
so far, nothings' happening.
i knew homecoming was going to be hard with him bringing her. i knew i'd be hurt. i didn't want to look at them. i wanted to have fun. i felt like every time i wasn't looking, they kissed or touched. i felt like everytime i looked, that i had been stabbed in the heart. his contact name on my cell is: Robby Heart bc he has robbed me of my heart. i can't take back my feelings for him. i think i've fallen. my depression has become so much worse than it's ever been. i've pretty much drugged myself bc i feel so much pain. my pain is not only emotional, but it's now physical. whenever i breathe, i get a searing pain and gasp... whenever i sit, stand, or lay down, i hesitate bc it hurts so much. my head is throbbing. all i can do is think. i'm a pessimist most of the time so, of course, i'm thinking about all the negatives in my life and the lives around me. i'm not completely selfish.
why do i put my whole self out there? i make myself so vulnerable. i should really start lieing again, it came so easily for me. lieing was as easy as walking. it's so easy to play games on people.
one time i played a game with a boy i knew was trying to break my heart. i kept telling him i loved him whenever he said it to me. i acted like nothing was wrong and acted like i wanted him around. in my head, i was planning. i was planning on how long to stretch out this "relationship" i had with him. i pretty much lied about everything. everything i said was a lie. i'm a smart girl, and i have skills. i loved having an advantage over him, i loved the feeling of power over him. i knew he was a virgin. so one night, i took his virginity. the next day, i dumped him. i destroyed him. i knew he was going to use me for sex, so i pretty much did the same thing, but i did it a lot quicker. i let him grow attached to me before anything. i made him need me. i did and said certain things that would tear him apart without him knowing i was behind anything. i was able to make him vulnerable. i destroyed him, and i loved it.
i'm really an awful person if i feel like i'm being messed with. people take a lot of the things i say seriously bc i say them in a way that sounds serious. it's easy, it's fun. i'm very sadistic like that. i like seeing someone hurt bc of me bc i've been hurt so much. i watch out for things like that. i don't need to be hurt. people don't understand how smart i am, and how in-tune i am with human emotions. i'm able to read actions and percieve things people say differently than most others can. i've learned bc i've been so hurt.
i'm looking out for myself
i feel like my heart will be broken, though. maybe a small part of it already has been broken....
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