I hate john

If you get to the core of it: i'm really a horribly malicious human being full of morbidity and dark dread.

Why does he have to say "some things" why can't he say "i'm going to dump you" i feel so low right now... I can't deal. I'm not cutting.... I'm writing.

At the end of this night.... I'll be completely alone...

Do you like to see me cry? See parts of me flat out and die? What you do, it destroys me. I feel less and less. I'm small, and i'm weak.

Already getting my phone taken away for saying"shut up" but kris was cussing mom out?Fair treatment much?Fuck this,where's my razor.I hate my life.Just end this

I just don't want to be a bad person.

atelophobia: the fear of not being enough, of being imperfect

found this picture.... it's perfect (: all my friends and i do that....

i feel empty, though. sad even when i'm at my happiest. lost and afraid. abbused until i just go back in my mind and fade. fade completely into the loneliness that always seems to be enveloping me as a whole, as a person. i have feelings, i have a heart. half a heart.... i need someone to make it whole again...

thanks for noticing....

yes: don't we all have body issues. just to be clear; i'll mention some of mine from head to toe:

• i have an upside-down widow's peak
• my hair is thinner than i'd like it to be
• i've had acne since fourth grade
• i have small teeth that used to be perfect
• broke my nose in the orphanage sooo it's messed up until i can pay from rhinoplastry
• i have problems with my neck...
• i have small boobs...and people always mention it
• if i were thinner, my boobs would look bigger
• i used to be the thin, sexy Russian, now i'm fat
• being a girl is annoying
• i'm really body shy during uhm sexual things...
• all my weight is in my ass, which makes me look flatter in the boob department
• i have huge thighs
• i don't have soft hands
• my arms are too thin
• i'm not evenly proportioned

yes: i love parts of my body, too; here are some of them:

• my hair is very versatile and looks good in every cut/ color
• i have the best cheekbones on the planet
• i have absolutely gorgeous Russian eyes
• i like the shape of lips, and i look great in any color lipstick
• i'm really white, but i honestly don't mind it
• i have really nice calves
• i'm short and usually like it
• i hold myself with confidence no matter how i'm feeling

so yes, the negatives over-power the positives
but at least i can accept i have a few positives.

i think it's funny bc he told me to look up two songs by "the used" and i'm in love with those guys (: ironic, huh?


there's certain songs you hear and cry because of a memory. an old memory back from the days. the days that you used to be in love. the songs that make you think of him. the one guy you ever really had feelings for. thinking about it is choking me up... tears running down my face. when they say "good times" they mean it, everyone means it.... they really were the good times.... the sad times were even good, when we fought and hit, touched and kissed. it was all so great. love and lust in a blend of beauty. listening to those certain songs that him and i once shared makes me want to go back to the time he used to care....

FWD: TheQuoteWhore: In a relationship I only want three things; Eyes that wont cry, lips that won't lie, and love that won't die. -t

i'd want to be at my own funeral... to see who will cry, to see who will show up... to see who will care, to see who will miss me... to see who give flowers... to hear the people that never told me they loved me and hear them say it for the first time over my motionless corpse. why doesn't anyone have the guts to say straight out and simple "i love you" it's not hard. some people say it so easily and manipulate it. but when you hear someone saying they love you, and it's coming from their heart... you know it's true. no matter if i'm a corpse or not.... i swell at the sound of those three simple words "i love you" i cry a silent tear and drift off into the nothingness of death... those words echoeing in my soul, that's all that's left, a soul.

he sent me a text

"Well, ik you're sleeping, but hopefully i can at least get you to smile when you wake up, so I'll try (: basically, I just wanted to say that I can't stop thinking about you. And it's been like this since the first time I've talked to you. IFeelAddicted. It's weird. But anyways, you know how before I said how there's like something mysterious about you, and that I love it? Well yeah. That was like one little thing that made you so addicting. Like, you're someone that decided I'm not "any other guy" which will still take a bit for you to convince me completely, but it still means a lot. Ik I'm being a dick to "her" with you and stuff... But that's not really what I think about when I'm with you. I just think about being good enough for you, and only you. Maybe I'm selfish and just want both of you, but ik eventually that can't be possible. Oh well. We can see where we go in the future. But so far, you're like, a majority of what I've always wanted to find in a girl.. Smart, outgoing but a little shy, honest, sexy (yes ik I hate that word) and especially caring.  That part just means so much to me. Like, you write everyday that you want me to smile, and god it feels good to be thinking of you & smiling . <3 i used to never smile or be happy or anything.. And you've just given me so much more confidence in a matter of weeks. Oh well. Crazy shit happens, I'm not much for fate, but hey, a fortune teller did tell me I'd marry someone who was born in a foreign country. Why not you? I think I could like that. A lot. <3 I love you Tatyana, good morning if you woke up, sweet dreams if you're still awake. I really do love you so much... And i tried starting to explain how in this message. <3 see you soon!"



how can you not fall in love with a guy that tells you this?
a guy that writes you notes and gives them to you in between lockers?
a guy that walks me to all the classes that he's able to see me to?
a guy that tells you he loves you and sounds as though he means it?
a guy that says he loves you more than sexual?
a guy that looks like a unicorn?
a guy with crooked teeth that you feel when you kiss him?
a guy that thinks he's fat but he's not?
a guy that looks at you and makes you blush?
a guy that's willing to show everyone that we're friends?
a guy that doesn't care about the rumors?
a guy that hangs out with me?
a guy that makes me feel happier than i've felt in months?
how can you not fall in love with a guy like him?
there's so much more that i'd say about him... but, i don't want to ruin it by saying it.
the personal recesses of my mind will hold all my truths about the feelings i hold for him.

dan: it's not who you think.

i liked your pink pants ^.^

aww thanks (:

you type in that box!