Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
email i sent to bliss
awww raine! your quote was adorable, good luck with moma bis... i had my first day of camp today and it was absolutely exhausting. three guys have a crush on me and the one guy i want to have a crush on me has a girlfriend and is crushing on my sis who has a boyfriend (can you say BITCHES?!) anyyywayyyy i'm a JC (junior councelor) and my councelor liz is uh-mazing, she and i have been friends for a few summers and my other coucelor, mike, is gorgeous! he has huge blue eyes and great skin and he's tall and he actually talked to me. omj my ex, ben, is at camp for JCing too! he kept looking at me like it was hard to believe he went out with me (bc i look different than last summer) i got sunburn on my face... it kinda sucks but it isn't that bad... i went to a traveler's championship a few times with my dad, the guys there are HOT!!! (: dude, i fell asleep on the bus ride home and the car ride home. omj! vica lied to me! you know that guy aaron that i like! well turns out he likes me a lot! and doesn't think i'm a lesbian and his twin shane doesn't hate me either like she said (i talked to shane on fb and aaron was talking to me too) i really like aaron! omj vica and i might go to the movies with them (different movies though) yea so i'll talk to you later, i'm soooo wiped out!
love you raine! again, good luck with your mom!!!
xoxo
tabbers ;)
(it's easier to put my emails here because it mostly tells the whole story of the day)
(:
love you raine! again, good luck with your mom!!!
xoxo
tabbers ;)
(it's easier to put my emails here because it mostly tells the whole story of the day)
(:
Sunday, June 27, 2010
email i sent to bliss
OMFJ!!! RAINNEEEEE YOUUU NAUGHTY GIRLLLL!!!! I'M SOOO PROUD OF YOUUU! haha did i tell you i went to ron a roll yesterday well prolly not but i did and julia and i were kissing and now people think i am a lesbian.... ughhhh but i'm not and you know that, i only kissed her because she asked me to and i like giving guys boners (totally funny) but ughhh now the guy i like doesn't like me because his brother told him i was a lesbian (aaron (my twin) couldn't make it to ronaroll bc he didn't have a ride so i brought julia instead) and omj i kissed a 23 year old bc he likes me and it's weird... i've never really liked him (and BELIEVE me, i don't now) but i like to flirt and he obv took it the wrong way and kissed me in front of everyone at ron a roll so they all think i'm a lesbian-hooker-slut kinda deal.... my life is a complete mess raine. and thanx about my hottness (which i really don't have) i have to go to freaking rhode island today and.... ihatemycousins PERIOD (< not the menstuation kind, the punctuation mark) omj i watched the movie paranormal activity last night and couldn't sleep i was terrified of being dragged out of bed by a demon so i went to kris' room and "slept" with her (the quotations are bc i didn't sleep at all) anyways around 6 this morning kris woke up so she and i started whisper-talking(i swear mostly whispering) and we woke up my dad and he has been pissed and blaming his bad attitude on me the whole day, i mean you go to sleep at 2 in the morning, don't blame me... i wake up at around 6 every morning, it wasn't my fault. yea.... so raine. i'll keep you posted. love you! oooo yea and my friend came over yesterday (1st grade friend) it was fun but she might have a crush on me....WEIRD
love you!
-tUHbitha (:
(extra thoughts for my best friend. she and i have to email because her parents despise me...so annoying really they need to get over themselves)
love you!
-tUHbitha (:
(extra thoughts for my best friend. she and i have to email because her parents despise me...so annoying really they need to get over themselves)
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
cell phone
my cell phone is all out of juice...
my mom saw me randomly burst into tears today and she had this look of concern on her face... but she didn't do anything. if she asked what was wrong... i wouldn't know what to tell her:
"my husband divorced me because i don't like commitment in the summer"
"i'm talking to a 23 year old that doesn't know that i'm faking every emotion of affection towards him and i just like him as a friend and he is weird and creepy, and not to mention kind of old and not my type"
"i miss my old boyfriend and wish we were together like last summer"
"i want my other ex back even though he is a lying cheating faggot but he was great at everything and made me happy"
"i'm depressed and can't be happy without making new scars for my body to hold"
none of those would have worked.... without an explenation that i wouldn't have wanted to give. o dinner time. be back later...
love and tears, tanya
my mom saw me randomly burst into tears today and she had this look of concern on her face... but she didn't do anything. if she asked what was wrong... i wouldn't know what to tell her:
"my husband divorced me because i don't like commitment in the summer"
"i'm talking to a 23 year old that doesn't know that i'm faking every emotion of affection towards him and i just like him as a friend and he is weird and creepy, and not to mention kind of old and not my type"
"i miss my old boyfriend and wish we were together like last summer"
"i want my other ex back even though he is a lying cheating faggot but he was great at everything and made me happy"
"i'm depressed and can't be happy without making new scars for my body to hold"
none of those would have worked.... without an explenation that i wouldn't have wanted to give. o dinner time. be back later...
love and tears, tanya
dan
everytime he talks to me, i think it's going to be different, but in the back of my head i know it's never going to be the way i want it to be.
he said he wanted to be single this summer and you know have a fling with me at camp, i agreed because well that's how i am, i hate relationships, they never work, there's always jealousy and anxiousness and i can't deal with that shit. i hate summer relationships, i just want to flirt and have fun, a romance would be cool. all of a sudden, dan wants a relationship and he divorces me and is like " you want a boy toy but i want a relationship, i need a girlfriend tanya, i can't function without one" so yea...that's how dan and my story always ends. it sucks, i'm never going to get over him, i've always liked him. he's just so cute and he's sweet and wow now he's hot so yea... and woot (sarcasmic woot that is) now i have 4 fucking weeks of camp with him where he is either single and ignoring me or has a girlfriend and can't talk to me... it never works in the end... him and i are just not meant to be i guess, which really sucks. when i tell him i love him, i mean it. i really do love the kid... o wait sorry he hates being called a kid, not that he even reads this... i love the man, i can't even smile... dan if you do read this... i mean it, all of it, i love you, i wish there was some way we could work out but there's not... i wish we were still married because i don't know what to do with our 18 kids... that was a failed attempt at a joke... guess i'm trying to raise my spirits. i can't be friends with dan without feeling the attraction and seeing him flirt at camp is going to be a serious downer on my 4 weeks of being there because he won't be flirting with me... i'll live through it i guess. maybe some harmless flirting... love you dan juan martinez, always will always have
love and tears, tanya
he said he wanted to be single this summer and you know have a fling with me at camp, i agreed because well that's how i am, i hate relationships, they never work, there's always jealousy and anxiousness and i can't deal with that shit. i hate summer relationships, i just want to flirt and have fun, a romance would be cool. all of a sudden, dan wants a relationship and he divorces me and is like " you want a boy toy but i want a relationship, i need a girlfriend tanya, i can't function without one" so yea...that's how dan and my story always ends. it sucks, i'm never going to get over him, i've always liked him. he's just so cute and he's sweet and wow now he's hot so yea... and woot (sarcasmic woot that is) now i have 4 fucking weeks of camp with him where he is either single and ignoring me or has a girlfriend and can't talk to me... it never works in the end... him and i are just not meant to be i guess, which really sucks. when i tell him i love him, i mean it. i really do love the kid... o wait sorry he hates being called a kid, not that he even reads this... i love the man, i can't even smile... dan if you do read this... i mean it, all of it, i love you, i wish there was some way we could work out but there's not... i wish we were still married because i don't know what to do with our 18 kids... that was a failed attempt at a joke... guess i'm trying to raise my spirits. i can't be friends with dan without feeling the attraction and seeing him flirt at camp is going to be a serious downer on my 4 weeks of being there because he won't be flirting with me... i'll live through it i guess. maybe some harmless flirting... love you dan juan martinez, always will always have
love and tears, tanya
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
funny stuff i found (:
so true ^^^
i said this to a guy and he looked really upset^^^^
lol i love this ^^^
my backround for my formspring^^^
some guy asked for a pic of my boobs and i drew this and sent it to him ^^^
Monday, June 21, 2010
i lost you
please don't tell me you hate me because i think a part of me is falling for you/ do you think we could be more/ just kiss me and see how it feels/ hug me and tell me you don't want to let go/ let's just stand together/ and never let go/ don't let me go too soon babe/ i want to just stay/ don't ruin this/ let's not even speak/ let's just keep our lips shut or kiss me instead/ be with me/ i love being with you/ don't let me fall/ unless i'm falling in love/ head over heals/ truly and fully/ i don't want a fight from you/ i'm too weak for battle/ i can't stand the thought of losing you/ it will kill me/ i'll drown in my own blood and tears/ i'm tearing up just thinking about the thought of not seeing your face anymore/ but you've already let me go/ we're already done/ nothing more but memories from when there was sun/ shining but not as bright as you ever were to me/ a part of me will never fall out of love with you/ i have to deal with the tragedy of losing you/ we could have been perfect/ and we were/ but all we did was argue/ and we lost it/ i lost you
give up or give in?
lonely and bored
nothing to do but sit here
all i have to do
is think about you
you're my one and only
the only one
i try my hardest to get what i want
to make you happy
but you don't make me happy
i'm just thinking that maybe
maybe
it would be right to just give up
or give in
but if i give in
will i be pleased
we know the answer
no
what you're doing isn't nice
you're uncool
and care only for yourself
you're an unselfish bastard
that doesn't give a damn about me
or my feelings
so do i just sit here and wait
for you to appreciate me
i'm tired of this charade
it's wearing me down
all i think is that you don't care
i know you don't care
but i don't want to give up just yet
i just don't want to give in either
you're pulling me apart in directions i don't know
i just don't
i can't
let go
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
dan
having anotha kid w/ dan. her name is estelle. danjuan jr. drowned. how could you let our kid drown dan!!??? god we are sooo getting a nanni!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
ke$ha
this song is an inside joke with my friends. whenever someone says something, someone in my "group" always says this ^^^
MARVIN!!!
happy birthday marvin barnes! you are uh-mazing. thanks for being there for me when chad and i ended. you are a great guy! <3 and also happy last day of school!!!! (: have a great dayyyy! love you haha not like that even though you are like the hottest guy i know in person. birthday kisses. we gotta chill. ron a roll soon babe ;)
bite me
original. marilyn monroe was my inspiration.
my lips were the inspiration. and also twilight.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
text v.s. call
i find it annoying when someone either calls you or asks you to call them and then asks you to come up with the subject matter once you're on the phone. if you couldn't think of anything to talk about then why did you fucking call me?
then sometimes you have like long-ass conversations and then when texting all they send is 1 word answers. i hate that even more. but then you try to call them and they're out of minutes.... that's also tres penible.
then there's people that don't know how to text OR talk on the phone. steer clear of those losers, they're worse than the above two.... just saying.
i like to be with people in person though. it's more fun.
love
tears
tanya (:
then sometimes you have like long-ass conversations and then when texting all they send is 1 word answers. i hate that even more. but then you try to call them and they're out of minutes.... that's also tres penible.
then there's people that don't know how to text OR talk on the phone. steer clear of those losers, they're worse than the above two.... just saying.
i like to be with people in person though. it's more fun.
love
tears
tanya (:
brainless idiot
wooowww like seriously, would you want a picture of yourself naked as someone's screen saver? no! ikr! i don't want that either. i'm so completely body shy.... i don't want people to know what.... i.... look....like....naked..... uhhhhh get a fucking brain! anyone who thinks would know not to put that as their backround. i sent him that pic because he wouldn't fucking shut up, not because i wanted the world to see me like that... that's why showers have curtains, why dressing rooms and bathrooms don't have security cameras, why jail, out of all places.... doesn't care if they see your parts because you're already the lowest you can get in life. that's why we wear clothes! dumbass much....and he wonders why i don't like him.... not hard to figure out.... o wait... read the title.
last day of school! and kelsey's!
i took 180 pix. i obv won't put them all up, just a lot of my faves (:
randomness through my brain right now....
so yea.... my period has finally released its pressure on my stomach, it hurt like hell no lie it felt like a sumo-wrestler was sitting on my lower abdominals eating a giant cow.. legit. i dare any guy out there to go through what a girl goes through for a week of their life an maybe they'll finally calm the fuck down on us ladies. ughhhhh but thanks advil for finally helping me out. omj lauren got hers during our second exam and i legit started getting the pains in the first one. thank thy lord that we aren't in school. she and i are ovary twins haha. wow... morbid laughing much? haha. this is going to be a long post so if you hate reading i don't want you to be in pain.... emotionally. but if you love//like me then you should just read it or if you're bored and i'm your charity case then yea.... read
exams were easy, not hard at all. we had french first and i finished within the first 20 minutes. yep so that's an hour and 10 minutes of pure boredom to go through. then i had my religion exam and wowwww that was a long one! it had 150 questions +++ 7 essay questions... the test started at 9:45 and i ended at 10: 15 so yea...i had an hour...of nothing.... soooo bored. and my stomach really started to act retarded during that one. so many girls had their periods in that class. me, lauren, elsie, morgan, erin, and alex. wow... weird right?
i saw patrick right when i walked into school, i was going to walk up to him but then stupid geoff (my ex best guy friend) starts talking to me so i didn't want to be rude and talk to some hottie right in front of him. i mean come on i was geoff's first kiss, i have to be nice. then i saw patrick again when going up to my first exam classroom, lauren and i were the only two in there so i was going to ask him to hang out but then all my other friends decided to join us in the room and he was with some guy ( that lauren wants to know the name of for some odd reason...) and i didn't want to be rejected//mortified... so i just let him walk on by. i really want to kiss him.... but at the same time i don't it's like mixed emotions on him. he says he loves me but i never believe anyone when they say that (unless it's a great friend. see: danjuan martinez<3) so i just say i love him too, but i don't really love him.... in a way i guess, but definately not legit. i always get nervous around him, i even have like radar, whenever he is near me (except this morning outside french, i was oblivious) i can like feel it before seeing him. he had me make him a bracelet....so i did...
wow i just ate a huge bowl of soup but again i'm starving and it hasn't even been an hour since i have eaten. funky stuff.... i honestly just don't care about my life, i'm really trying to make an effort to care. no lie. but for some reason i just want to sleep.... or cut.... everyone wants me to stop. i'm not going to. it's my life, my choices, my blood, my scars.... if you don't like it then just go away...
yesterday was my last day of school. i can't believe it! i never used to talk to people before because i'm so beyond the valley of shy...but i made a friend (lauren) on the first day of school and she and i are still besties. lauren and i went to kelsey's after school. lauren's parents hate me so she and kelsey kept me a secret from her dad. so when her dad showed up when i was wearing lauren's bikini top we freaked out. i went behind the pool shed and just stripped it off and threw it out for lauren. kelsey said to go inside the shed and hide until she got back outside. so i'm standing there in a shed with no top and black bikini bottoms freezing my little ass off scared that my best friend lauren is going to get in trouble in case her dad saw me or my mom showed up or kelsey's dad would have spilled the beans on my being over there. but nothing happened! kelsey showed up 10 minutes later with a towel for me and we went back inside and changed into our regular clothes and i got picked up. i took pictures. so i'll put them up.
i think i'm done. i'll just put up pix from the last day and from kelsey's.
love
and tears
tanya (;
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
list
- my smiles are all fake
- a mask i use when we go along to play
- the pain in my stomach is real
- caused by what you did, it's a huge deal
- you've split me in half starting with my heart
- sliced me so fucking hard that nothing can put me back
- i can't think about you without wanting to barf
- i can't eat or sleep, you're not my heaven on earth
- want to watch my blood drip to the floor?
- what the Hell am i waiting for?
- i've become so numb
- they're are many more to come
bleeding on the floor
you're fucking killing me inside to out
i've got scares to prove it so don't even doubt
you think i'm happy but you're so wrong
listen to what i say through this song
once upon a time
a while ago
there was a little girl who lived alone
she used to laugh, she used to play
but that all changed with the days
she's growing up but she's sad, all she ever does is cry
look at her and you'll see it's a new girl completely
(chorus)
so open your eyes 'cause it's a brand new day
open your eyes let's laugh and play
but back inside you'll see that is nothing but her
bleeding on the floor
covered like a cloak of darkness
she stays there untill the razor will erase it
she becomes so tired that she can't stand up
she lays down and just drops
(chorus)
try to open your eyes, it's a brand new day
come on! open your eyes, let's laugh and play
but back inside you'll see nothing but her
laying and bleeding on the floor
dream (exist)
do you ever feel like it's all a dream?
that you don't exist?
that the person you love will stop thinking of you?
then you'll disappear and no one will remember you?
well, that's how i think.
i think my life is a never-ending dream
a nightmare at times
that my life is all made up
but, it's not.
this is the real deal
no turning back
you've got to be careful
make the right decision
everyone makes mistakes
just be you
don't change yourself
perfect doesn't exist
it's just a word for the insecure to thrive on
we're all a little messed up
but what can you do?
don't make a new you
be the person you are
be known through a dream
but, you do exist
gone
i'm not here
never was
i'm just a figment of your imagination
got to say
what i got to say
i'm only here
because of you babe
i don't want to be right here anymore
just disappear through the door
don't say bye
don't wave
it'll make me hurt more babe
leave me be
let me cry
just trying to hide
by myself
all alone
with my thoughts that acts as ghosts
le me scream inside my mind
not a sound uttered from my lips
just like a whispered kiss
my thoughts hold me together but i don't want to remember
Friday, June 11, 2010
MORE PIX that i jus took
i think my hair looks like a wave (: 
i like my eyes here 
my hair is extremely shiny always (:
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Pain
never a thought given to the past
but, no you do, you do go back
you see what you've done wrong
what you did that day, the day was long
you see the way that you hurt
hurt the people, they were burnt
a blazing of orange and red
some left alive, some left dead
some think you did this act
thhis act in which you wish would stay in the past
you block out all the bad in your life
you just leave them there, there to cry
in the dust where they lay
laying there full of hate
you caused so much
in so little time
i just want to run, run and hide
but you can't back out
when you're in so far
you have to scream out when you've been harmed
let the pain take over you
let the pain seduce you
rushes through your body like electrical current
nothing to do just have to work through it
let the pain melt away
the pain fades slightly
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