done with HIM

i'm done pyching myself out. yes, him and i are okay. we're only okay. nothing more, nothing less. so what am i doing by fooling myself? i can't just add stress. i think i'm over it. over the fact that i'm done trying to get him to notice me and feel what he said he felt. i'm over seeing him and getting butterflies... sort of... i'm over trying to IM him on my cell and waiting for a reply. i'm done. finished. i can't do this anymore. yes, if he wants me, i'll still want him back, but i'm done with hoping that being okay with him is going to go back to the way it used to be. i'm done looking for him in the hallways. i'm done wishing he'd give me a note like old times. i'm done with it all. we're okay, and that's all we'll ever be until he makes the first move.

i dont know how to say this. i want to get close to u (as a friend) every time i ask something i get shut down. i try and support u and i see others trying too you say best friend. we never talk y do i have to be the one to text you first? its a 2 way st

hi maria

don't lose yourself

your beautiful (:

thanks (:

don't lose yourself

i've been having one of the worst days ever; no, i'm not trying to be a whining bitch.
so, yesterday, i hung out with julez right. she's my bestie. we went to the mall. my stomach hasn't been doing to well lately. i can't eat anymore with out something going wrong. it's just gross. i can feel my teeth eroding from all the vomiting. yeah, i'm probably turning you off now. i honestly could care less at this point. my stomach just HURTS really bad. it legit feels like someone's hammering nails into it. this has been going on for a while. since... around christmas? maybe halloween...? i don't know the exact time, obviously. i don't keep notes like that. it's just this intense pain. i've lost 4 pounds. i'm 98 now. people think it's gross when i tell them. i wish i could tell people that i can't eat, and that i'm not anoerexic or bulimic, but i guess a small, dark part of me is [anoerex and bulimic] i want to lose weight. badly. i just kind of want to waste away... into the nothingness that i feel that i am.

we have a new schedule for school because a new semester has started. i don't see any of my friends during it. it sucks. i'm already lonely enough. i'm scared... i know it sounds stupid... but i'm scared to fall deeper into the depression that i can't get myself out of. i have more and more panic attacks. i have more urges to hurt myself. i can't handle little things anymore like talk or smile or laugh without having a sting in my chest-where my heart is... i can't explain it. it's just a sharp pain whenever i try to be myself... or should i say: the person i used to know myself to be. i don't know who i am. i've lost myself somewhere in this downward spiral i'm stuck in. i feel uncomfortable in my own skin. small and vulnerable to even the smallest of things like a kiss on the cheek. it's so strange to be so sensitive to the things i used to be so comfortable with. like showing affection. kelsey hugged me today, and it was hard to hug her back, what am i doing? i just unnattach myself from everyone these days, but i really need them around. i don't know how to talk to people anymore without it ending in an awkward silence. i feel as if people are watching and laughing at me. maybe it would all be easier if i could fall asleep.... forever....

i was supposed to tell you about my day. i woke up 5 minutes before my ride- enough time to get dressed and take my pill. so, i get to school, of course i'm 10 minutes late for first period. i have to get a pass from Student Life. there is a huggeee line, like half way down the hall- long. it was chaos. i look a mess. everyone looking at me like i'm an abomination and don't belong. maybe i don't. none of my friends are in my classes. no one texts me back about lunch or studies they have. my sculpture class has only 5 students. i've been in a slump all day. i bet you're not reading this because you got bored of me. everyone gets bored or tired of me. i'm annoying and easy to hate. i'm going to end this post now.

there's only 5 people in my sculpture class. that's fucked up, yo. then when the seniors leave, there's only going to be me and grant left. shitt

woke up 2 minutes to mr.hook's pickup. going to school looking like a drug addict. i did nothing with my hair, no makeup, i look gross

let's see if dan's paying attention. HEYYYYY DANNNNNNNN

OMJ GUESS WHAT I DID!!!! I LOST 4 WHOLE FUCKING POUNDS! YESSS! >.< i'm only 3 pounds from my goal (95lbs)

I'm actually eating breakfast

i'm so glad none of my friends read this. they'd give me hell. i only give this to people i know i can trust

just swallowing all the pills i can without it being too obvious. this is my third time trying it this way in the past two months

i'm so pathetic. i should give up. i really should, but i can't. i resent that

turns out kris is an inch shorter than i am. yuck. she wants to be twins, but she's so fake that that idea disgusts me

i have a gynocology appointment...fun? NOOOO! mom's starting me on birth control... thanks??

he unfavorited my tweets.... that was like a dagger to the heart... i want to be over him. this is starting to suck. why does he have to do that? he said he was "reminiscing" was he drunk or something? he deleted me on facebook and everything. i hate this, torturing myself with the memories. there weren't even that many. not even compared to nick. nick and i don't talk anymore. i didn't want to get hurt again. i'm already trying to mend myself. to put the pieces of my broken heart back together again. i wish i had the guts to end my life bc it would make everything so much easier. i would be gone. just a distant memory. someone you don't even remember by name.

hey

to find my profile, scroll all the way down to the bottom of the page, on the left-hand side, there is a picture of me with the caption "moi" (me in french) click that.

a note from the author

hey everyone (which is NOT a lot, i can assure you) i'm sorry for not posting a lot. i haven't gotten around to getting hold of a computer. i kind of just "stole" my laptop from the very "secret" hiding place that my parents have put it. obviously, i couldn't give a shit.

my life is kind of in ruins at the moment. having drama with everyone and trying to keep myself from falling off the edge. i try so hard to please everyone. i try to leave everyone alone if i'm getting the vibe that they don't want me around. trying to put on a happy face even though every muscle in my body is screaming "NO!!" i honestly don't know what i'm doing anymore. i don't know why i'm here. i'm just wasting everybody's time. just try and prove me wrong.

i'm going to start another blog along with this one. it's going to be a series of letters to the same person.i'm only going to post when i'm on a computer, i may add pictures that remind me of him, lyrics, poems, and scan things onto it. anything goes. it's always easier to write when you have someone to write to. i'm so in love with him. i hate myself for having any hope left for him. i'm pretty sure he knows who he is. i won't give you the url for it, but you can find it on my blogger profile if you really want to read it. i don't even think the person i'm talking about even reads this blog anymore.

love and tears

tanya

i chopped my nails off.mom took my gauges.i straightened my hair.someone drew a highlighter heart under my eye.i decided to stop talking to nick.CH-CH-CHANGES!

So now i think he hates me bc i didn't say hi. i hate myself so much...

wow, so HE said hi to me for the first time in a long time at school, and like the dumbass i am, i couldn't even get the word 'hi' out. i was a smiling idiot

WOW OMG HELLO !8

yo yo yo (: what up home skilleeettt (;

don't lose yourself

Do you believe in god?

not really

don't lose yourself

TEACH ME HOW TO JERK?!

only if you can keep up (;

don't lose yourself

What's something silly or random you think is cute in a guy? (: haha

mmm i like them do be really hyper when necessary to get me to giggle (x

don't lose yourself

when in doubt... BRING FITZY OUT!

who's that?

don't lose yourself

<3 :D

<333

don't lose yourself

heyy giirl!! (:

hey kels!

don't lose yourself

if she cared..she'd be with me. why am i even stressing? wow..

i hate people that do that. change their mind and don't even tell you...i didn't do anything drastically wrong...

she's like "skate with me" so i go out there, and they're kissing. yeah, julez....thankss....

trying to keep calm....breathee....

she and i better have sex tonight, or i'm going to be pissedddd >.< (that's a jokeee)

She says she wants to cry. fuck that. she stole him from me. i should hate her, but i forgave her. i'm not even talking to nick. i'm talking to dan right now

great now she's mad bc she figured out nick and i talk. my bad. i don't like him. i'm mad at her! i spend so much money on her, and she ignores me and go off

did i mention that nick started talking to me again? yeah, i find it weird. he even called me. he apologized for everything.he offered me a redo. i don't know..

want to know the worst part of mending a broken heart? the fact that i don't have anyone anymore, and i have to do this on my own when i used to have someone...

i'm too afraid to tell you i still love you. i'm too afraid to meet your eyes even though we're "okay" now. i'm too afraid to try to say hi or write you a note.

I know it's weird i'm not posting. I hate lots to say. I always start texts to send here, but i always manage not to press send

What if i disappeared? Would anyone notice? Would anyone care?

I hate when you need someone the most that they just completely evaporate in thin air

I used to know what to say. I used to know how i feel. I used to think i could be safe and never get hurt the way i was previously hurt. I panic now. I loose it

party last night was a rager. got drunk and highh (not on drugs)

yeaaaa mannnnn! mall with julez et kels (x

noshing On some mike and ike lol yum

Ughhh fml i still can't eat without feeling all the water of nausea that comes when i put food in my mouth >.<

at the mall with dad.
-t

had a horrible day. knew it was too good to be true.

mr. hook greets me when i jump in the ford: "HEY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOU'RE SIXTEEN NOW! PYCHED!!" and me being all nonchalant, "yeah *ho-hum*"

don't want to go to school. i'm scared he's going to change his mind again. i hate this. i'm putting my hair up. i'm still sick, but mom doesn't buy it. fml

i knew it!! i knew he hadn't forgot about me! i'm on a high. too bad i took so many pills...

julia slept over!!!!

hot

i don't understand how that's a question

you type in that box!

i wanna shove my dick in ur asshole

that's really inappropriate

you type in that box!

Hi there

it's my 16th birthday, and i'm home sick with the flu. i only turn 16 once, and this is how i'm celebrating. fml

i hate my life

i'm so sick...

best partyyyy everrrr, biitttccchhhhh

OMJ SO FUCKING EXCITED!!!!

off to the mall to buy the things i need for my ens?mble tonight and kels' gift!

i'm such a horrible person. today is HIS birthday, he passed kels and me on the stairs. i wanted to say happy birthday, but kels did instead. it hurts so bad

yesss early dismissal, bittcchhhh

i don't want to go to school bc i'm in so much pain. i'm beyond exhausted. i can't not go to kels' party tonight. i'm in the royal court. it'd be a sin

lauren thinks my legs look "cute" uhmmm weird...

got to school like realllly lateee

texturized my hair, my eyelashes are mother-fuckers, and my skin looks uh-mazingg (: i smell delicious and my legs are sexy(; beat that, steve d:

the rents need to be a little more validating on what i'm trying to say. i'm adament in what i'm saying, so why can't they just understand?

cool, gym first period? yeah, life sucks. mom and mrs. riley are friends now *shivers*

in that "i hate the world" kind of mood right now.

my arm itches bc of all the scars. today in group [therapy] i'm going for a level advancement bc i have self-harmed in a month. whoopee. sarcasm

i wish i didn't have to go to school...

mmk so i started healey's hw at 8:40p, it's 10:00p and i just finished. i seriously hate him.

mr.healey is a fuckhead and needs to lay-off on giving all the hw.

mr.healey sucks, he assigned a 5 page chapter tonight to do notes on. obv i have no frees tomorrow and got home at 9. rockin' < sarcasm, man.

immaculate wasn't too bad. it still did freak me out, but it also broke my heart.

There was a good looking dude there....

on the way to the shelter atm. is it okay that i'm a little freaked out?

I'm so tired. there's nothing left to do here.just waiting to go to the shelter; i'm a server /:

i'm going to be a fucking loser tonight during service hours. fml

i haven't been eating. i skip lunch and breakfast for the most part, and don't eat dinner for the most part. i'm not hungry. the desire to eat is gone

geoffy and i are friends again <33

of course.... of course he's just down the hall when i'm at my locker. and of course i look over and happen to see him.it made my day that much worse to see him

gawdddd, maria needs to leave me the fuck alone, or she WILL see a suicide report in the paper

shit, i can never get hw done bc of therapy >.< i'm going to fffaaaiiiillll

kelsey's bdayyyy

is stealing really so wrong. i say no.

Got an 85 on mid term in american literature

This is a great health class lol (:

i feel extremely sick

how can you completely shut off all emotion towards a person? if someone figures it out; i would really like to know how. thanks

kristina finds every way possible to insult me. she says i have gross nails which we all know, is definately not true

been having the worst nightmares for a long time. they just keep getting worse and worse. they scare me bc they feel so real.i can't always tell that i'm asleep

it's hard to let go of something so beautiful

the crazies is a creepy-ass movie

was at the peacock's, their house is magnificent, and they had some delicious food!

going for the au naturelle look these days

dad's being a dumbfuck bc of my fb status. he says i'm always associating myself with death, when i'm not.

so i have a new fave breakfast: eggs on toast. it's supposed to be really healthy for your complexion. A+ for healthy eating (;

i so sadistic. i even turn my sadism on myself. i no longer inflict physical pain on myself bc it hurts so many around me, but the emotional pain scars deeper..

-t

i just tortured myself by reading all the notes he gave me except the last note.written on yellow paper.i couldn't do it.every note said he would never leave me

S i??>???o9?./?A????6??y?? &??gP?? ??e??M/?A?2? ??A?2?? ??t ] ??s:????]wy?N/?Ao7(_f??w </?]i??]g??':?? ?????,???oz 4 ?? t t ??d??l/?A

daddy just made me sad.

kristina smokes pot

the gym was soo fun!

going to the gym

i hate my parents. they're making kris apply to echs. she doesn't want to go, i don't want her to go... simple. why don't they just leave it alone?