i've been having one of the worst days ever; no, i'm not trying to be a whining bitch.
so, yesterday, i hung out with julez right. she's my bestie. we went to the mall. my stomach hasn't been doing to well lately. i can't eat anymore with out something going wrong. it's just gross. i can feel my teeth eroding from all the vomiting. yeah, i'm probably turning you off now. i honestly could care less at this point. my stomach just HURTS really bad. it legit feels like someone's hammering nails into it. this has been going on for a while. since... around christmas? maybe halloween...? i don't know the exact time, obviously. i don't keep notes like that. it's just this intense pain. i've lost 4 pounds. i'm 98 now. people think it's gross when i tell them. i wish i could tell people that i can't eat, and that i'm not anoerexic or bulimic, but i guess a small, dark part of me is [anoerex and bulimic] i want to lose weight. badly. i just kind of want to waste away... into the nothingness that i feel that i am.

we have a new schedule for school because a new semester has started. i don't see any of my friends during it. it sucks. i'm already lonely enough. i'm scared... i know it sounds stupid... but i'm scared to fall deeper into the depression that i can't get myself out of. i have more and more panic attacks. i have more urges to hurt myself. i can't handle little things anymore like talk or smile or laugh without having a sting in my chest-where my heart is... i can't explain it. it's just a sharp pain whenever i try to be myself... or should i say: the person i used to know myself to be. i don't know who i am. i've lost myself somewhere in this downward spiral i'm stuck in. i feel uncomfortable in my own skin. small and vulnerable to even the smallest of things like a kiss on the cheek. it's so strange to be so sensitive to the things i used to be so comfortable with. like showing affection. kelsey hugged me today, and it was hard to hug her back, what am i doing? i just unnattach myself from everyone these days, but i really need them around. i don't know how to talk to people anymore without it ending in an awkward silence. i feel as if people are watching and laughing at me. maybe it would all be easier if i could fall asleep.... forever....

i was supposed to tell you about my day. i woke up 5 minutes before my ride- enough time to get dressed and take my pill. so, i get to school, of course i'm 10 minutes late for first period. i have to get a pass from Student Life. there is a huggeee line, like half way down the hall- long. it was chaos. i look a mess. everyone looking at me like i'm an abomination and don't belong. maybe i don't. none of my friends are in my classes. no one texts me back about lunch or studies they have. my sculpture class has only 5 students. i've been in a slump all day. i bet you're not reading this because you got bored of me. everyone gets bored or tired of me. i'm annoying and easy to hate. i'm going to end this post now.