i could've died today. it's the closest i've ever felt death to me before. it's scary to think that i don't even have the will to keep myself alive anymore. the thought of suicide scares me. i want to die, but i don't want to kill myself. it would make me pathetic. suicide is stupid, but somehow i always drift towards it. i could answer all the questions simply in a sole letter on my lifeless chest. i wish i could feel people's pain and sadness on how my death effected them. no one would care, though. i don't have many friends that  i'm really close to. lauren would go on, kelsey would go on. my "family" would go on. my lack of existance wouldn't change anything about reality. so what's stopping me? i want to see if there's someone out there for me. i want to see if love really does exist and isn't just a one sided reality. i want to feel wanted. i want someone to need me in the way that i need them. i want to be the only one in their heart, and i want to be the only one on their mind. it's selfish and stupid. love is the only thing i'm able to hold on to. i've felt it once.... i want to feel it again before i exit this world.