i keep telling my self not to care, that i shouldn't care
i keep telling myself that i shouldn't have fallen, but i've already fallen
i keep telling myself to look the other way,  but i look right at what's in front of me
i keep telling myself that things will change, but i see no changes
i keep telling myself not to lie, but i really want to lie
i keep telling myself that if he loved me, then he would do something.
so far, nothings' happening.

i knew homecoming was going to be hard with him bringing her. i knew i'd be hurt. i didn't want to look at them. i wanted to have fun. i felt like every time i wasn't looking, they kissed or touched. i felt like everytime i looked, that i had been stabbed in the heart. his contact name on my cell is: Robby Heart bc he has robbed me of my heart. i can't take back my feelings for him. i think i've fallen. my depression has become so much worse than it's ever been. i've pretty much drugged myself bc i feel so much pain. my pain is not only emotional, but it's now physical. whenever i breathe, i get a searing pain and gasp... whenever i sit, stand, or lay down, i hesitate bc it hurts so much. my head is throbbing. all i can do is think. i'm a pessimist most of the time so, of course, i'm thinking about all the negatives in my life and the lives around me. i'm not completely selfish.

why do i put my whole self out there? i make myself so vulnerable. i should really start lieing again, it came so easily for me. lieing was as easy as walking. it's so easy to play games on people.
one time i played a game with a boy i knew was trying to break my heart. i kept telling him i loved him whenever he said it to me. i acted like nothing was wrong and acted like i wanted him around. in my head, i was planning. i was planning on how long to stretch out this "relationship" i had with him. i pretty much lied about everything. everything i said was a lie. i'm a smart girl, and i have skills. i loved having an advantage over him, i loved the feeling of power over him. i knew he was a virgin. so one night, i took his virginity. the next day, i dumped him. i destroyed him. i knew he was going to use me for sex, so i pretty much did the same thing, but i did it a lot quicker. i let him grow attached to me before anything. i made him need me. i did and said certain things that would tear him apart without him knowing i was behind anything. i was able to make him vulnerable. i destroyed him, and i loved it.

i'm really an awful person if i feel like i'm being messed with. people take a lot of the things i say seriously bc i say them in a way that sounds serious. it's easy, it's fun. i'm very sadistic like that. i like seeing someone hurt bc of me bc i've been hurt so much. i watch out for things like that. i don't need to be hurt. people don't understand how smart i am, and how in-tune i am with human emotions. i'm able to read actions and percieve things people say differently than most others can. i've learned bc i've been so hurt.

i'm looking out for myself

i feel like my heart will be broken, though. maybe a small part of it already has been broken....